The Wounds of a Sister

She won't make eye contact with me.

She knows I will see her. Who she really is. All the beauty and dark and light and mess of it all. She can't bear to look at herself, and she certainly doesn't want me too. The Jesus Spirit in me sees breathtaking glimpses of who she is becoming in Him.

I want to scream: Look up!

"I lift up my eyes to the hills- where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth."

~Psalm 121:1-2

The road Home is long. Doesn't a journey always seem longer when you don't know exactly where you are going? Sometimes shortcuts seem a needed break from the repetitive step by step by faithful step . It's easy to think "just a little resting of my weary soul here.... then I'll move on." But we are creatures of comfort.

And we are made to be comforted by Love.

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God."

~2 Corinthians 1:3-5

But true Comfort and true Love has been so deeply misunderstood that we crucified Him as the enemy. We crucify Him still. And sometimes we crucify those who look like Him and talk like Him and love like Him.

I am wounded and I wound her too. I hope that someday she will see that the wounds of a sister can be trusted, it is an enemy that multiplies kisses.

It hurts. But open rebuke is better than hidden love. And I love her so much!

So much.

To Remember the Value of THIS 24 Hours

She is already losing her baby-ness.

She toddles now, arms outstretched, expression of knowing her own accomplishment bringing joy to all who watch her teetering, balancing, grinning movements.

Yesterday in the store, step by step, she walked away from me. She saw something she wanted more than to hold onto my hand.

It won't be long until I blink and she is 5, and more interested in playing and going than being held by me. It is right that they grow up. It is wrong if I should miss it.

Her expressions and discoveries are a once-in-a lifetime joy each day. Never the same. The bittersweet beauty of mortality.

I see it in my Sisters faces(well, Sisters-in-law for the sake of not being confusing). I love the new mom questions(to anyone around their baby) of "did you see it??" and "look, you're missing it!!...". Each expression is precious and not to be lost. Moms don't let even one drop away unappreciated.

Slowing down to catch all the baby-ness...

My Beloved Nephew: Ezra Joel Duncan

My Precious Niece, "Little Match" as Husband calls her: Eva Grace Duncan

"My days are swifter

than a runner... They skim past

like boats of papyrus."

~Job 9:25-26

When Your Best Doesn't Seem to be Good Enough

Sometimes crying is necessary to maintain sanity.

Little Girl keeps talking. She is totally oblivious to the waves beating me from the inside trying to find their way out through my eyes.

It's hard to respond to her, but I'm trying. The building pressure aches in my throat and chest. Baby cries and clings to my shirt every time I try to set her down.

Sometimes a moment alone isn't realistic.

I choose to take my thoughts captive to Christ. Every one. Helplessness, hopelessness, self-deprecation and twisted truth try to fester and multiply and spread through my weary bones.

How can I make it through this day? This hour? This moment??

Truth speaks.

"The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."

~Deuteronomy 31:8

How beautiful that He speaks to me from Deuteronomy. It was Deuteronomy that Jesus quoted all three times to refute the devil's temptations when he was in the desert.

The breath of His mouth, His Word that runs swiftly, heals me and silences the Deceiver.

I am not alone. I will not be discouraged. His power is made perfect in my weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

He is more than enough for me.

Jehovah Jireh

My Provider

His grace is sufficient

For me, for me, for me

Jehovah Jireh

My Provider

His grace is sufficient for me

My God shall supply all my needs

According to His riches in glory

He will give His angels

Charge over me

Jehovah Jireh cares

For me, for me, for me

Jehovah Jireh cares for me.

The Powerful Gift We Forget We Have

I can't help it.... I have to arrange the plate of food just so... there, now it's perfect. I know it will be a mixed up mess in about two minutes, but that rarely stops me from attempting some kind of attractive presentation in my plating.

I bring it to the table and set it before her. Pancakes from scratch dripping with maple syrup with a side of homemade turkey sausage and fresh sliced organic apples and clementine oranges. A pink strawberry smoothie and a pink striped straw win a giggling toothy grin from my sweet Little Girl. I know what's coming.

She passionately exclaims(complete with excited hand motions) "you're the best mom ever!!!". This is one of the most common accolades she bestows on me. It is her beautiful word-gift that melts my mama heart.

Is she learning that from me? Is this a glimmer of something good being reflected in my Mini Mirror?

So many times I have brushed a curl away from her deep blue eyes and tucked it behind her ear. " Selah, what do I think about you?"

She rolls her eyes in a "shy" embarrassed kind of way. But she's smiling. I've spoken this over her even before she could understand what the words meant. She opens my word gift.

Her smile widens as she says the words "you think I'm beautiful."

"That's right! You are." I continue with my usual follow up question "And is beautiful on the outside?"

More eye rolling and smiling. Body language that says "of course I know the answer to this, give me a harder question, mom!"

She shouts(not intentionally-it is just spoken at Selah volume) "No! Beautiful is on the inside! God makes me beautiful."

I laugh. "You are right. God makes us beautiful on the inside. You can be pretty or attractive on the outside, but you can't be truly beautiful unless you have God on the inside, and unless you look like Him. And you are beautiful. "

We often have this conversation over a meal, so next she would shovel a way-too-big forkful of something in her mouth and still manage a fairly loud(though muffled) "I know, mom. "

The communication lines are open now. She wants to hear what she already knows "... And do you think I'm smart?"

"Yes."

"And that I'm a great artist?"

"Yes, I do."

"And that I'm a great big sister?"

"You are!"

This goes on and on and on. She loves to hear my praises of her. She beams. She is strengthened by my word love. Words are one of her most requested gifts. I write her Christmas and birthday letters, but she will still come up to her Daddy and I at random times, hold out a piece of paper and a pen and say "write all the things you like about me, okay?".

Word are powerful gift that we forget we have.

As she reminds me how precious they are, I try to be intentional about being generous with my word-gifts to others. I think of my husband, family and friends. I think of church family, store clerks, and strangers.

Then I am challenged to think of what my word gifts might mean to my sponsored child. You can view the video here.

I am humbled. Everyday, faithfully, He draws me to Himself, speaking His love over me.

To come, still, and listen to the Word that changed my world.

"But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness."

~Hebrews 3:13

"Like cold water to a weary soul is good news from a distant land."

~Proverbs 25:25

"He sent his word, and healed them, and delivered them from their destructions."

~Psalm 107:20

"The tongue has the power of life and death"

~Proverbs 18:21

Lord Jesus, Word who became flesh and dwelt among us, help me to spread Life!

Face Boot Camp

I hand out another brochure with a friendly smile and am grateful that my presence is acknowledged. The next few women completely ignore me. I am used to it, these bridal extravaganzas can be brutal. These women are focused. But I repeat myself.

There can be no slowing down, no hello, no smiling. They are on a mission!

Then I see them. I can't look away the entire long aisle as they walk past. They stand out like a sore thumb in this buzzing crowd. This one couple is actually smiling and holding hands. They aren't rushing past, just taking it all in and enjoying being with one another.

In all my years of working bridal show booths I can't remember seeing another couple that looked like that.

Shouldn't you look happy when you are planning to unite your life with your love? Shouldn't smiling and hand holding come easily? The important part of marriage seemed lost...

It made me sad. It made me think.

When is the last time I held hands with my husband? When is the last time I really looked him in the face and smiled at him? Has an important part of our marriage been lost in the buzz of babies and remodeling and homeschooling and work and going and doing?

Not too long ago when he came home from work I was grinning from ear to ear. I couldn't stop smiling. I just loved him and wanted to look into his face and smile. With raised eyebrows he asked me what was wrong with me.

That is what is wrong with me!

If my smiling stands out like a sore thumb and is easily noticed... that is what is wrong with me. But it was catching... he couldn't help smiling back!

So I've enrolled my face in boot camp. I am practicing expressing gratefulness and thankfulness and smiling. It's not as easy as I hoped. I didn't realize how weak my smile muscles were until I had determined to be joyful all day. It only takes a few days without exercising cheerfulness to find it extremely challenging.

But I love this man whose name I bear, whose hand I've had the privilege to hold, whose face I can shamelessly smile into.

"As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends."~John 15:9-13
I have been prideful enough to think that I could lay down my life for my friends. But can I even smile at my husband, my children, my family, my friends consistently? On busy days? On difficult days? Do I set an example of joy?
I want to do what I see the Father do. He smiles at me. Anytime I am in His presence, He smiles at me. He alone can melt away my business, my focus on lesser things. He smiles at me and it is catching! I want to spread His smile around.
I don't want to miss what is best by being so focused on what is good.
If I have to choose, I will lay the laundry basket down, leave the bed unmade and the trash can full and I will take time to hold hands and smile.

Photo Credits: Brandi Claussen, Texan Weddings

Sweet Summer Evening

The blanket is laid over perfectly pointed emerald blades, sweet scent of summer and sun. Our "table" set, a feast fit for royalty.

Daughters of the King dine under sapphire skies and jeweled eyes peer back at me with smiles and I am so peaceful I could sleep in this warm, safe place.

But there will be no sleeping for discovery is in motion... constant motion.

Big Sister finds treasures for her treasure box, but they must be thoroughly inspected before being approved.

And the sweetest treat is a daddy visit!

Love is here.

My cup runneth over.