What God Thinks of You When You're a Desperate, Needy Mess

The Littlest screams and throws herself back in a tantrum, smacking her head uncomfortably hard on the concrete floor, which incites higher decibels of screaming. The Middle is wandering around and wailing about something lost I can't discern from her description, much less help her find. The oldest, oblivious, would like permission to ask a friend over to play. Right now.

I pray desperate, needy prayers to not join them in the shrieking mayhem.

It would be comical if it wasn't so exhausting.

I've lost things I can't begin to accurately describe, either.







Sunday morning we are late, again, as usual, and as we pile in the car I grip the warm mug of coffee and try to be still to keep it all from spilling out hot and messy. I exhale another pleading prayer.

I lean back and close my eyes and just let the husband drive and I wonder how will I even have the ability to focus on praise and worship and scripture and church family? 

We're going over the bridge when the song I walked down the aisle to begins playing on the radio. Encouraging steps to lead me closer to the One who chose to give me His name anyway, knowing all. I don't open my eyes but just let the lyrics of "In Christ Alone" sink in and wash me clean and fill me up. After a few sentences that shift my focus the tightness in my chest and throat loosens and I can breathe. I find I can sing.

It's such a gift to sing.







We arrive and shuffle to our places and I want to worship. Loudly. And with hands raised and with messy, joyful tears but our church is small and I don't want to distract and I feel it would so I pour out everything and wash His feet with grateful tears in my spirit.

And my prayers are all worship. Just this vulnerable, desperate, needy worship.

You are too wonderful for words. I have nothing, without You, Lord. Nothing. I am no good on my own. You are so good. I need You to fill me up so I have good things to give. I need You to give me love so I even have love for my husband, my children, my family, friends, my enemies. You are so loving. I need You to give me Your perspective so I won't be selfish and shortsighted...  I need... I need...

I don't always feel, I'm not always aware, of my neediness. Today, I am.

And I'm that kind of needy where I don't even care that I'm needy. I don't try to hide it or sugar coat it. I'm just asking, asking, asking for what I need. Which is everything God-like. Everything I'm not.

But I am also filled with so much love for Him. I wish I could bring Him something lovely, instead of this mess that I am. The songs unfolds and I'm glad I get the chance to sing what I'm thinking.

"I see Your face, You're beautiful...
You're beautiful...
You're beautiful...

I see Your face, You're beautiful...
You're beautiful
You're beautiful..."

And it's not until we sing it probably a dozen times that it pierces me, how He feels about my telling Him He is beautiful.

He brought it to my mind, how the Middle cups my face with her chubby child hands and looks right into my eyes with her bright grin and asks it in her normal, cheeky fashion: "And what do I think about you?"



I play along with a deep, thoughtful sigh and long hmmmmmm-ing until I finally "guess" correctly: "you think I'm beautiful."

She nods approval with a grown-up air, all this an exact copy of what, and how, I tell her she's beautiful over and over. She nods and nods with eyebrows raised "yes, I do think you are."

It's one of my favorite things. I never ask for it. She just does right back to me when I've spoken it over her. She's just a child, echoing me, but it melts my heart.

And even though she throws fits, and pushes the limits, and fights most of the healthy boundaries and habits I'm enforcing in her life... I can tell she means it. She thinks I'm beautiful.

She'll tap my chest "the inside kind of beautiful... like Jesus."

My momma's heart soaks it up.



...And here I am, this child. His child.

A needy mess that throws fits, pushes limits, and stiff-arms all those annoying, healthy things He keeps bringing me. But I mean it.

I think He is beautiful. 

And I can feel Him smiling back as I sing it "You're beautiful... You're beautiful..."

My love-offering isn't worthless. He tells me my love is treasured by Him.
And no, I can't give to Him like He gives to me, I can't serve Him like He serves me.
But my love isn't rejected. 
He isn't far away or annoyed by my needy state and childlike expression of love.




He is close. He lets me cup His face. His heart soaks it up. 

"You're beautiful..."

And the tears brim hot at this crazy truth that "we love because He first loved us..."

He's singing to me, too. 

He's singing over you.

"you're beautiful... you're beautiful..."

What You Need to Remember About God (((Free Printable)))

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I've been thinking about this a lot lately...



Maybe you need to soak this truth in too? Maybe you know someone who needs this encouragement? I've made free printables for you!

Simply click the link below color of your choice and print!

                                   Lions(Blue)

                                   Lions(Gold)



                                    Lions(Gray)



                                 Lions(Stone)




And y'all... this song has been on repeat in my mind! As I think about it, I love Him more and am filled with joy! I hope it encourages you, too!

The One Resolution that Might Really Change Everything

It may take me actually sticking to the floor with that scratchy, crackling, suction sound before I make time to mop it.

I may finish off the mounds of Christmas chocolates through distracted, anxious eating as I try not to submit to defeat as a failure of a homeschooling mom before the spring semester even begins.

The couch is somewhere under the laundry. At least it's clean. The laundry, I mean. The couch has some chocolate smears I've been meaning to scrub away.

I have countless lists of ways I need to improve, things I hope to get done, and ways of serving others I'd love to make time for.

But just one. One.

I'm only making one resolution for this year.

Because if I stick with it... I'm confident it will change everything.



All my priorities, my time management, my stress levels, my sleep habits, my anger issues, the way I talk to my husband, the way I see my children, the way I think about the present, the way I feel about the future.



This is it: Every day I will devote my first free time to still, quiet time to listen to Him.


Every single day. 

Holidays and weekends and work days and busy days and sick days and every day in between.

First free time. 

I wish I could say this would always be before the kids are up and I will definitely plan a regular "quiet time"... but sometimes, like these last few days that they haven't been feeling well, they are up way before the sun and my alarm and any realistic possibility of staying awake during my time with Him.

What this means most to me is that I won't check email or facebook or phone messages or ANYTHING until I've read His word. If I have time to read an email, I have time to read a few verses.

Somedays, I will probably have to be up very early for work. If I can plan to go to bed early to get up for work, I can go to bed that much earlier to have time for Him.

I will still and quiet to listen to Him.   

I like to talk. A lot. So, praying comes relatively naturally. The kids love music, so praise and worship in this way is also relatively easy to do daily. But it is absorbing His words to learn the sound of His heartbeat and mind and Spirit that I need to work on.

So that's it. That's my goal.

Because all those other good things I want? Those things I really hope to learn and do and achieve?

They aren't needed.

And they won't last.

38As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. 39She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. 40But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!” 41“Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, 42but only one thing is needed.f Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”

~Luke 10:38-42

And doesn't He also promise?...

"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." ~Matthew 6:33

Happy New Year to you all!

You are the kindest friends.