Happy Birthday Alexa!

Two became one and not quite ten months later after 28 hours of labor 7 lbs 3 oz of joy was born.

We all fell in love.

With her grumpy faces...

Her sleepy faces...

Her sour faces...

Her "bulldog" faces...

Her sweet faces...

Her discovery faces...

Her smiley faces...

Happy 1st Birthday, Alexa! We love you!

Selah

She holds the tiny baby wrapped in soft pink felt and asks to hear to the story again. How her story began.

How do I tell her I almost killed her?

How can I explain why I didn't?

I wrap my arms around her and pull her close. My five year old bundle of joy and life that almost wasn't.

I can't say I already had the appointment scheduled at the same place I had paid for her sibling to be aborted the year before.

I can't say I did drugs to try to make myself go through with it.

I can't say I tried to commit suicide and longed for my own death before ending the life of (another) baby growing inside me.

We snuggle and she wriggles with excitement. She stares, stares, stares at the baby doll in her palm.

"Well..." I breath in deep, those memories, those years. I feel the pain throbbing behind my scarred heart.

"But this is a joyful story" He whispers. I take His offered hand, we walk back to that dominion of darkness that He rescued me from together. His light keeps me from being overwhelmed.

She needs to know He alone can rescue. She needs to hear this story. He knew it would be her story.

She tries to wait patiently for the few moments it takes me begin. She grins from ear to ear and covers her hand with her mouth to try to hide her overflowing excitement. She is about to burst with joy.

I try not to burst into tears.

I smile into her glowing face "I love you so much!"

She wriggles closer, waiting. Hand over grin.

"Well... this baby doll reminds me of what God did in my life through you."

She can barely take it. I'm not talking fast enough for her. But my mind is rushing and my tongue is thick and slow and I have to take every thought captive and stay here and not go back there and remember that I am a new creation in Him.

Him.

My history is His story. Not mine. He is the Main Character. It is His Story Box.

I can continue now. "... Before I had you, I didn't love or follow God." My tender eyes meet her wide ones. Her face says: does mom really mean that? Could that be true?

"... I did a lot of really bad things. But Jesus still loved me. He loved me so much, He gave me you..."

I had begged God to show me His realness. To stop me from destroying myself and every good thing that came my way. To hold me. To love me. Selah is the first good thing that survived me in a long time. He answered my prayers, but in a way I did not expect.

O LORD, the king rejoices in your strength.

How great is his joy in the victories you give!

You have granted him the desire of his heart

and have not withheld the request of his lips.

Selah

You welcomed him with rich blessings

and placed a crown of pure gold on his head.

He asked you for life, and you gave it to him—

length of days, for ever and ever.

Psalm 21:1-4

She smiles unashamedly. She knows that of course she is a blessing. I have said it a thousand times.

"... God taught me all about love through you. He changed my life, and your Daddy's life, and lots of people in the family, and He helped save other peoples lives through you like Connor and Iliana..."

The names of my god-children bring a fresh wave of smiles. They are her dear friends. God saved them from a similar fate.

"...God has very, very special plans for you!"

She holds the baby. I hold mine, growing into a young woman, babyness long left behind. My arms overflow with His reward. We smile.

This is His story. He rescues. He redeems. He rewards. He loves. Oh, how He loves.

Praise the LORD, O my soul;

all my inmost being, praise his holy name.

Praise the LORD, O my soul,

and forget not all his benefits—

who forgives all your sins

and heals all your diseases,

who redeems your life from the pit

and crowns you with love and compassion,

who satisfies your desires with good things

so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.

~Psalm 103:1-5

Counting thanks today... overwhelmed by Grace...

#58 Selah

#59 That He forgives all my sins

#60 That He heals all my diseases

#61 That He redeemed my life from the pit

#62 That He crowned me with love and compassion

#63 That He satisfies my desires with good things

#64 That He would reward me after all I've done

#65 That He never leaves me or forsakes me

#66 That He remembers that I am dust

#67 That He promises His righteousness not only to my children, but also to their children

#68 second chances

#69 That He can create a new person out of an old one

#70 He makes beautiful things out of the dust

#71 That one lost lamb is worth His time

#72 He brings me home

If You are Being Really Hard on Yourself

Baby is growing up. She waves now when someone says "Hi!" or "bye-bye!". This always brings enthusiastic praise and clapping for her grand achievement. She grins her gap-toothed grin back at me and waves some more and I am filled with delight. We grin at each other and clap, clap, clap. It's some of the best time of my day, of my life. I will look at her and praise her and clap for her as long as she'll let me. She always tires of this before I do.

She is just being a child. My child. And it is a beautiful thing.

He wants to know why I ignore His clapping.

Oh LORD, I'm such a mess... I still have so much to learn, to do, to improve upon...

He says He takes great delight in me, He is singing over me filled with joy.

Not someday when I am dead and finally perfect because I am in heaven. NOW.

He is clapping, and grinning, and encouraging me NOW.

Will I look into His face and enjoy this moment with Him? He does not belittle my small achievements. "well done! Good job!" He claps, claps, claps, encouraging me to smile and clap back.

Will I believe Him that this a favorite part of His day? Will I keep it from Him?

I am just a child. His child. It is a beautiful thing.

I will look into His face and smile and clap praises back to Him.

Giving Thanks today that He loves me as I am, and always encourages me to get back up and try again...

#36 That He would ever take the time to sing to me

# 37 That He gives the Son, Emmanuel, I am never alone

#38 Micro expressions on a sweet baby face

#39 Sister love

#40 Curtain houses and the gift of imagination

#41 That He would stoop down to make me great

#42 The gift of work

#43 The gift of rest

#44 sunshine on my children's hair

#45 blue eyes

#46 That He loves me

My Jesus Story Box

She clutches it close, grins wide and bright eyed.

"And then what happens??" She is riveted, giggling in anticipation.

I tell her these tales again and again, she never tires of these stories. But she wants to know, needs to know, to double-check just one more time: " did this happen in real life?"

Yes, my sweet darling, these stories are true. 

These are my Jesus stories. These are my stones of remembrance. I keep them in a simple photo box, with His words reminding me what stones are and are not meant for, reminding me to remember.

I can forget so easily.

I don't want to.

So often I have heard and read of stories of amazing things God has done... but I rarely personally know the individual who actually had the experience of God's direction, protection, intervention, vision, or miracle in their life. I have privately asked the question "did this happen in real life?"

Last spring I co-led a women's small group at my church through Believing God by Beth Moore. In one section Beth encourages the reader to write down a timeline of notable things God has done in your life, personal stones of remembrance. This was very helpful to me in many ways. It helped me recall and recognize God's beautiful orchestration in my life. But because I am (at least) as forgetful as the Old-Testament Israelites, I wanted some 3-D reminders of God glorious works in my life. Something I would see to draw me to His feet in praise "Here I raise my Ebenezer, hither by Thy help I'm come..."

I actually considered stacking up huge stones. Well, having someone with muscles stack them for me, I'm not exactly known for upper body strength.

But that idea didn't seem very Baby friendly. My 11 month old is nicknamed "baby godzilla" by her adoring and ever-so-patient older sister. The description is quite accurate. I wanted to avoid a miniature Samson episode, so other options had to be explored.

In my experience all children share a certain trait, regardless of personality. Curiosity. When God commanded the Israelites to set up stones as a reminder of the awesome miracle He had just done by cutting off the flow of the river Jordan so they could cross over on dry land, I think God intended the stones to spark the natural curiosity of the Israelite children. I have chosen items in My Jesus Story Box specifically to inspire my children to ask "what do these stones mean?".

True, some things that are exposed about me in these stories are not glamorous. In fact, they are down right hideous. But He is the Main Character of these stories, I am not. And He is beautiful all the time. He is the only reason why all the stories have happy endings. I want my children to know Him more that I want to hide my weaknesses. I want them to know He is alive and active and involved in every person's life. Even mine. Even theirs. He is the same miraculous God of old, the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.

Right now I tell Selah the 5 year-old appropriate versions of these stories, the depth of the stories will grow as she does. But I pray the Truth about God will be the common thread she holds onto from now into adulthood.

Selah also has her own story box with a couple of stones of remembrance. She loves it so much, she is actively looking for Jesus' work in her life so she can add to her box. "He loves us so much, mom! " she says. "He must have done that so we could have this story in our box!...".

I believe we are hard-wired to love stories. We are part of one, and each one of us has a part that the One and Only considered worth His very life.

What would happen if we all shared our stories, His stories, with one another? Might you consider starting your own Jesus Story Box? A place for tangible pieces of evidence of God's hand in your life? We can each witness to what we know of Him, and pass on and recall His faithfulness to our oh-so-forgetful hearts.

God spoke this to me back in April, and it has been on my heart ever since: "Stones, are also for building."

What if? What if we all built up a wall together instead of stoning each other? What if we as believers all lined up our stones of remembrance that God has given us? What God has done for us should be shouted from the mountaintops! His mercy, goodness, and work in our lives is the proper lens to view ourselves, and others, and God through. With such a massive wall of God's faithfulness surrounding us how could we struggle with faithlessness? With our forgiven sins and evidence of our redemption reaching up to the sky how could we struggle with judgement? Would not the love that completely surrounds us force our lips open in praise to Him?

"I tell you," he replied," if they keep quiet, the stones will cry out."

Luke 19:40

Let us build together!

"The God of heaven will give us success. We his servants will start rebuilding"

~Nehemiah 2:20

I look forward to sharing my stories with you in the upcoming days and weeks... and I hope to hear some of yours!

Glorify the LORD with me! Let us exalt His name together!