Eulogy

We shuffle in quiet, greet each other with soft, sorrowful smiles and and ease gently onto the creaking pews.

A close-knit family with lives scattered by miles and circumstance drawn together by a common wound, a shared love.

Today we bury our Grandmom, Mother, Sister, Friend.

There are only a few (besides our army of family) to show for this quiet, well-lived life.

We have been so blessed, the few who knew her.

Our friend, our pastor, speaks full Truth words into the empty, questioning spaces. A reminder of what we know, of Who we know. Then we listen as the music swells and watch snap shots of a beautiful girl grown into wife, mother, grandmother, great-grandmother begin to ebb and flow on the screens.

I have to look away. I focus on my one year old as tears sting and fill the rims of my eyes, throat aches, nose swells to an instant red. I attempt to swallow the dryness out of my mouth.

I know that I am the first of the grandkids to speak after the slideshow. There had been so much joy thinking through my memories, and collecting those from others, to share with the those who have come alongside to comfort, with those who share our loss. I had wanted to share, these stories need to be told! Now, the grief presses into me stronger and deeper and I wonder if I can whisper what I have prepared.

I look up at the ceiling to keep a tear from spilling and breaking the dam that's barely holding back the smashing waves. I know she is with You, I am so glad she is with You, Jesus.

The slideshow ends and I find myself rising, then walking to stand in front of the flower showered casket. My cousin and older brother, both 28, born only two days apart, stand with me. We are the first to speak our love for our Grandmom, to try to express how well she served, and loved, and cooked, and lead by example.

I tremble and stumble over emotions but I somehow speak most of the words I wanted to say. My cousin and brother do too. Then two of my sisters join and one tries to speak through the tears but can't, big brother reads her lovely written words.

We tell specific stories of how she was kind to us at all times. How she was never too rushed for us, too busy, too bothered. Not even when all twelve of us grandkids ran, and roared, and laughed and talked her ear off. How she remembered what was important to us, and made sure we knew we were important to her. The birthday cakes she made and the imagination she encouraged, even crawling under the quilt-covered table to play in the make-shift "fort" with flashlights and grins.

We tell of her unfading beauty, her gentle and quiet spirit. Her faithfulness to my Grandpa, her deep love for her children.

I say it in the beginning and think the whole way through " I know she heard 'well done' when she saw Jesus..."

Then we all stand together, all twelve grandchildren in a row, not such children anymore. The youngest a tall eleven years old. We all love the Lord our God, a trickle down effect from her heart to our parents, to us. The beneficiaries of the promised love that Love Himself is faithful to show to a thousand generations of those who love Him and keep His commandments. We are but a brief, tiny glimpse of her spiritual heritage, legacy.

We stand and my cousin shares what His mom, my sweet Aunt, has thought and said and finds great joy and comfort in:

"Those who lead many to righteousness will shine like the stars forever!"

The service continues and completes and we talk, and hug, and cry, and laugh and remind each other of Who she is with, and how great her gain is.

And I think of this for days now, something my Dad has often said, that was proven and lived out this past Friday at her funeral.

"My perspective on situations and relationships really changed when I stopped viewing others as a part of my life, and started asking myself 'what part of their life am I'?"

What do I do in this life that really makes a difference in this world? What will my loved ones say about me when I'm gone? What part of their lives am I?

I pray my eulogy is full of my love for Him, and for them. Jesus said:

“As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father’s commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command. I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit—fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. This is my command: Love each other."

~John 15:9-17

Counting thanks today, praising Him for how well I am loved...

#97 Grandmom who lead by example

#98 food brought by church family, not a small task for a household of 10!

#99 music

#100 donations made to our local Pregnancy Center in memory of my sweet Grandmom

#101 having so many good memories that we had to pick and choose which to share

#102 That Grandmom's children, my Dad and Aunt, have Comfort and Hope and Joy because they KNOW their mom is with Jesus

#103 that He has prepared a place for me, and will come back and take me to be with Him

#104 that knowing Him is eternal life

#105 that He cares that I know Him, wants me, pursues me, draws me close

#106 that He gives this knowing of Himself, this eternal life, freely because He loves so deeply... staggering grace!

If Your Day is on a Crash Course

I barely reach her in time. Just enough to slip my hand in between her sweet, soft face and the unforgiving door frame.

She hits the cushion of my fingers and falls thump to the floor. This unpleasant seating results in a frustrated slew of baby-complaining. At me.

"Well! You've gotta watch where you're going, baby!"

I smile at her angry baby language. She is trying to communicate. And at this point, she relates everything that happens to her as a direct result of my actions. I help her stand up. I actually helped you though you don't know it...

She had been watching Sister over her shoulder, oblivious to the approaching collision.

His Spirit whispers.

Is this why my day seems to keep wrecking? Do I keep looking backwards over my shoulder?

All the should have and shouldn't have moments of yesterday and the time not spent well today are crowded in my mind. They push the days activities out of place, along with my perspective, and leave me feeling stranded in a mine field.

And do I complain at Him about it?

"A man's own folly ruins his life, yet his heart rages against the LORD."

~Proverbs 19:3

I sigh. It's way too easy to stop talking to You, and start complaining at You, Lord.

And truly, how many times have You kept me from really knocking my head against the wall?

I have to watch where I am walking to walk well, safely, to get where He wants me to go. I have to stop looking over my shoulder, or trying to lean over too far to see what's around the corner.

Now is what You've called me to live well. This moment.

Frustrated baby that I am, I cry out to Him and He smiles at my disgruntled face, and kisses my throbbing head, seeing the reality of my lowly estate. He helps me stand. Always helps me stand.

"The eyes of the LORD are on the righteous and his ears are attentive to their cry... the righteous cry out and the LORD hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."

~from Psalm 34

The Words of My Mouth

Eyes still closed, I hear the soft jingle of keys and the hushed moving about the dark room. I half-wake to Husbands good morning kiss. He whispers he loves me and to have a good day as he leaves for work. I mumble a response and peaceful moments float by to the rhythmic humming of fan and Baby breath.

Baby is sleeping so well and the bed wraps its comfortable warm around me as I stretch into the extra, newly available space. The Spirit encourages, and it is now or never, so I rise clumsily to begin the day.

He is first. I am trying to make Him first. Exercising my discipline muscles a little bit more each day. The spirit is willing and though the flesh is weak the weakness leaves me as I begin to pray.

Before opening my Bible I pray that I would not only listen, but that I would hear. He answers immediately.

" a gossip separates close friends..."

I am a little jarred by this sudden moment of hearing Him. Unsettled even. This is not at all what I wanted to hear about. I wanted to hear direction and encouragement for this new school year, I was listening for financial discernment and wisdom, for how to be a better wife or mother.... but His Spirit speaks, and then waits.

Yes, I heard You Lord.

It seems I must begin my day with confession. Logical defenses are put to death quickly and I choose not to fight Him, I know He disciplines and corrects those He loves.

I confess of yesterday, of words not beneficial, words that did not edify anyone. I confess of being judgmental, of being self-righteous, and yes, I squeeze it out, a gossip.

It hurts. I acknowledge this sin against Him, and ask Him if as far as the east is from the west is quite far enough to remove this sin, please take it further?

My mouth. A restless evil. A deadly poison. Overflow from a deceitful and desperately wicked heart. I am ashamed. I want to hide my face, as though He doesn't see.

He speaks again. He reminds that it is faithful and just that when I confess He forgives and purifies me from all unrighteousness. Pure. White. Clean. Done. Forgiven. Clean slate. Move on! He praises me(more than this sinful heart can bear-but don't I do the same with my Child?) for fearing Him and respecting Him enough to acknowledge the sin and hand it over to Him in truth and repentance. He reminds me that He does not treat me as my sins deserve, and that He is a compassionate and loving Father. And that I proved I do trust in Him, and I will not be put to shame.

He will not put me to shame. And if He is for me, who can be against me?

I breath out self-condemnation and inhale His love and His words. As confirmation, and I guess just in case I had ignored His unspoken words before reading, there it is, in black and white, in verse 28 of the Proverb for today "... a gossip separates close friends." I smile in the freedom of forgiveness and truth of verse 6 "Through love and faithfulness sin is atoned for."

He is so loving and faithful, alive and active!

And He confides in those who fear Him. I am overwhelmed by the compliment as He allows me to recognize Him speaking this day, to me, this girl-made-woman through Grace.

He rewinds, reminds, teaches.

Had I not been asking, asking, asking for spiritual eyes? He had been letting me see. See the lack, see the need, see the wrong He wants to right. Had I not been asking, asking, asking to be a part of His work? His work, not mine. How many times must He tell me? The feelings of helplessness are accurate, these things are not mine to control, to change.

So I had opened my mouth in complaint to others. He means me to open it in prayer in to Him. I opened my mouth in judgement. He means me to open it in petition.

Salt and fresh water flow from the same spring. This should not be so.

He asks me if complaining about anything or anyone is ever beneficial. I think a long time. I give reasons, explain feelings, situations.

"A fool gives full vent to his feelings" He says.

I am silent.

How do I still this poisonous tongue? Stop the complaining? He tells me the antidote. He shows it to me in His word, in writing, I want to ignore it. I don't even want to read a holy experience today because I know what I will read of.

Thankfulness.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."

~Philippians 4:6

Today I will practice thankfulness as if He was coming to bring me home with Him this evening. For how can I know if tomorrow will ever come? And I want to be found with praise and thankfulness on my lips!

Today I am thanking God for things I am tempted to complain about...

#1 Little Girl who knows she can come to me after she's had an accident, and that I'll wash her clean, cuddle afterwards, and tell her it will be okay

#2 Washing machine to do the extra laundry

#3 Nursing Baby who interrupts everything, even quiet time

#4 Run on sentences and conversations

#5 Wrinkles

#6 Little Girl's nature "treasures". Lots of them.

#7 Not enough time to finish writing a thankfulness list because I am needed...

"May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer."

~Psalm 19:14

The Wounds of a Sister

She won't make eye contact with me.

She knows I will see her. Who she really is. All the beauty and dark and light and mess of it all. She can't bear to look at herself, and she certainly doesn't want me too. The Jesus Spirit in me sees breathtaking glimpses of who she is becoming in Him.

I want to scream: Look up!

"I lift up my eyes to the hills- where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth."

~Psalm 121:1-2

The road Home is long. Doesn't a journey always seem longer when you don't know exactly where you are going? Sometimes shortcuts seem a needed break from the repetitive step by step by faithful step . It's easy to think "just a little resting of my weary soul here.... then I'll move on." But we are creatures of comfort.

And we are made to be comforted by Love.

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God."

~2 Corinthians 1:3-5

But true Comfort and true Love has been so deeply misunderstood that we crucified Him as the enemy. We crucify Him still. And sometimes we crucify those who look like Him and talk like Him and love like Him.

I am wounded and I wound her too. I hope that someday she will see that the wounds of a sister can be trusted, it is an enemy that multiplies kisses.

It hurts. But open rebuke is better than hidden love. And I love her so much!

So much.

Face Boot Camp

I hand out another brochure with a friendly smile and am grateful that my presence is acknowledged. The next few women completely ignore me. I am used to it, these bridal extravaganzas can be brutal. These women are focused. But I repeat myself.

There can be no slowing down, no hello, no smiling. They are on a mission!

Then I see them. I can't look away the entire long aisle as they walk past. They stand out like a sore thumb in this buzzing crowd. This one couple is actually smiling and holding hands. They aren't rushing past, just taking it all in and enjoying being with one another.

In all my years of working bridal show booths I can't remember seeing another couple that looked like that.

Shouldn't you look happy when you are planning to unite your life with your love? Shouldn't smiling and hand holding come easily? The important part of marriage seemed lost...

It made me sad. It made me think.

When is the last time I held hands with my husband? When is the last time I really looked him in the face and smiled at him? Has an important part of our marriage been lost in the buzz of babies and remodeling and homeschooling and work and going and doing?

Not too long ago when he came home from work I was grinning from ear to ear. I couldn't stop smiling. I just loved him and wanted to look into his face and smile. With raised eyebrows he asked me what was wrong with me.

That is what is wrong with me!

If my smiling stands out like a sore thumb and is easily noticed... that is what is wrong with me. But it was catching... he couldn't help smiling back!

So I've enrolled my face in boot camp. I am practicing expressing gratefulness and thankfulness and smiling. It's not as easy as I hoped. I didn't realize how weak my smile muscles were until I had determined to be joyful all day. It only takes a few days without exercising cheerfulness to find it extremely challenging.

But I love this man whose name I bear, whose hand I've had the privilege to hold, whose face I can shamelessly smile into.

"As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends."~John 15:9-13
I have been prideful enough to think that I could lay down my life for my friends. But can I even smile at my husband, my children, my family, my friends consistently? On busy days? On difficult days? Do I set an example of joy?
I want to do what I see the Father do. He smiles at me. Anytime I am in His presence, He smiles at me. He alone can melt away my business, my focus on lesser things. He smiles at me and it is catching! I want to spread His smile around.
I don't want to miss what is best by being so focused on what is good.
If I have to choose, I will lay the laundry basket down, leave the bed unmade and the trash can full and I will take time to hold hands and smile.

Photo Credits: Brandi Claussen, Texan Weddings

Missing Home: When a Loved One is Overwhelmed

Tears drown words. They choke out in an ocean deep. I ache in helpless feeling empathy. These waves are so high. The skyline is lost and the NOW is all that can be seen, felt, struggled with. I feel so far away on this shore and pray with outstretched hands "if she must be consumed, Lord let it be with You."

"Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls;

all your waves and breakers have swept over me."

~Psalm 42:7

With all my strength I throw out the Life Saver. I remember when I was rescued from a similar storm. I shout to her soul of His faithfulness. It is right that endings are painful, it makes sense that we grieve them. "We are eternal beings with temporary vision."

We are eternal beings. We are designed for happily ever after. And we will have it! But it is not now. And now is so hard.

I hug her through prayer. I know Jesus' arms can reach her. He gives the best hug because He doesn't let go. There is no awkward length in hugging Him. The Love of her life holds her in the embrace that never has to end. There is such relief of being held by Him with whom there is no ending! Ever.

"It is so important to speak truth more often than you say anything else..." our spirits respond to the words that come out of our mouths.

"I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living.

Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD."

~ Psalm 27:13-14

"Surely God is my help; the LORD is the one who sustains me."

~Psalm 54:4

"But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things."

~Philippians 3:7-8

"if anyone speaks, he should do it as speaking the very words of God."

~1 Peter 4:11

"Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God. "

~Psalm 42:5-6

She breathes in His breath and is calmed. He is certainty. He is hope. He is unchanging. He is her future.

I ask when she can come home, we all love her so much here. Soon, hopefully. I know that even when she does, the ache will not completely go away, but we will do our best to comfort.

"Our citizenship is in heaven."

~Philippians 3:20.

That is the Home all of our longings point toward. This is one of those days we just miss Home!

Now we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, an eternal house in heaven, not built by human hands. Meanwhile we groan, longing to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling, because when we are clothed, we will not be found naked. For while we are in this tent, we groan and are burdened, because we do not wish to be unclothed but to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life. Now it is God who has made us for this very purpose and has given us the Spirit as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come.

Therefore we are always confident and know that as long as we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord. We live by faith, not by sight. We are confident, I say, and would prefer to be away from the body and at home with the Lord. So we make it our goal to please him, whether we are at home in the body or away from it.

~2 Corinthians 5:1-9

Vision blurs. Tears are cleansing and not to be held back.

Be Thou my vision, oh Lord of my heart
Nought be all else to me, save that Thou art
Thou my best thought by day or by night
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light

Be Thou my wisdom, and Thou my true word
I ever with Thee and Thou with me Lord
Thou my great Father and I Thy true son
Thou in me dwelling and I with Thee one

Riches I need not, nor man's empty praise
Thou mine inheritance now and always
Thou and Thou only first in my heart
High king of heaven my treasure Thou art

Be Thou my vision, oh Lord of my heart
Nought be all else to me, save that Thou art
Thou my best thought by day or by night
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light

High king of heaven, my victory won
May I reach heaven's joy, bright heaven sun
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall
Still be my vision, oh ruler of all

Still be my vision, oh ruler of all.

Default Optimism

In a warm, comfortable half-sleep I hear the alarm beginning. In a haze I automatically rise quickly in the hopes that the ring does not wake the baby. I reach the desk and hit the silence button on my phone. The cuddly bundle nestled under the covers doesn't budge. Good.

Now, I just can't let myself crawl back in bed. I want my quiet time with You, and this is the only guaranteed time I'll get it. I sway slightly then stand still, and the usual assaults begin in my sleepy mind.

But I'm so tired because.... and I had to stay up late last night because... and I could check my email because I need to respond to that quickly... why don't I just go take a shower really quickly first?... do I need to start a load of diapers so they can be washing?...

NO.

If I leave this room my day will begin, and I won't ever stop to really listen to Him. Talking is not a problem, but the listening... that often needs some work.

I sit in my chair, down next to Him, and turn on a light, so I can see the Light through His Word. He wrote this for me because He loves me. I love love letters. Everything else can wait.

Several weeks ago I began in Hebrews, and now I have read straight through to Revelation. I find my place in Chapter 7. These are hard words. I read through to chapter 12. The picture is not becoming prettier. I slowly close this letter written out of love for me and my heart is heavy. I think about the described future devastation and am shocked and saddened that " The rest of mankind that were not killed by these plagues still did not repent of the work of their hands; they did not stop worshipping demons, and idols of gold, silver, and bronze, stone and wood-idols that cannot see or hear or walk. Not did they repent of their murders, their magic arts, their sexual immorality or their thefts."

~Rev. 9:20-21

My mind is still somewhat foggy from sleep. I really don't want to think and pray through this. It's depressing. It's emotional. Fear is threatening to cling to me. I should have prayed before I read anything. A furious fluster of frustration is building so I swallow it all down in an ache. I don't want to think about any of this.

The soft creak of a bed spring draws my attention over my shoulder. I turn to see a grinning mess of curls smiling over her baby sister. Little Girl's not-so-subtle movements have stirred Baby into her morning stretches. As soon as their eyes meet, the giggling begins. I breath out my spirit of jumbled-up-ness and let their joy infect me. I join them on the bed and embrace them both in a grateful hug.

"Good morning!" big Sister pats, pats, pats Baby on the head.

Baby's wide-watching eyes soak up every movement and sound of her much-loved admirer. I see a love in Baby for her Sister that is unlike any other. She must somehow know they've shared the same womb. She must somehow know they belong to each other.

They laugh because they're laughing. They make noises for the joy of it. They are so happy it's a brand new day, they are awake, and ready to play! Every time they wake it is with this beautiful, fresh, pure default optimism.

When did I lose that? And how do I get it back? Why is work easier for me than play? Why does heaviness come more easily than joy? I feel it creeping back in. The heaviness.

I want to stopped being dragged into an unknown future that I can't control. My heels dig in the dirt in resistance. The dust is swirling around me in a choking cloud. I want this to stop. I ask for His help. He tells me the solution.

"Let go."

Surprised, I look at my hands and He is right, I am the one holding onto this possible future, it is not holding onto me. I let go. I sit hard from the release. Surprised again I find I am not alone in a desert, but He is with me, and we are surrounded by the softest waving grasses. The incense of His presence washes over me.

I look up into His face, it is the first time our eyes meet this day, and He smiles at me just like Little Girl and Baby smile at each other. He knows we belong to each other. In firm gentleness He says "Lie down."

I obey. His Holy Spirit, the Great Reminder, sings and I let the songs of the Sweet Psalmist of Israel flow over me...

"The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul...."

"Trust in the LORD and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture..."

"I have never seen the righteous forsaken or their children begging bread..."

"For the LORD loves the just and will not forsake his faithful ones. They will be protected forever..."

"But I call to God, and the LORD saves me. Evening, morning and noon I cry out in distress, and he hears my voice. He ransoms me unharmed from the battle waged against me, even though many oppose me..."

"You have delivered me from death and my feet from stumbling that I may walk before God in the light of life..."

"I will sacrifice a freewill offering to you; I will praise your name O LORD, for it is good."

I choose to do this.

I praise your name today O LORD, for it is good. YOU are good to me. I praise You in gratefulness for....

Time for a cup of Little Girl's "tea" (or two, or ten...)

Little Girl's cry to her Baby Sister of "Release the hair! Release the hair!" but they giggle all the harder because of it.

Your Word that is a Lamp for my feet.

18 year old little brother.

Spring sunshine and trees in full bloom.

Soft baby cheeks.

A Husband who wants to tell me all about his day, even things he knows I won't understand, just because he likes sharing with me.

My dearly loved, soon-to-arrive Niece and Nephew and their wonderful parents.

My family support system at home.

My family support system away from home.

Box fans and sleeping babies.

Ice cold filtered water.

The freedom to sing to You in public with my church family.

The ability to sing to You because I am free!

Oh, how He loves us.

Let's praise Him today and re-gain some of our child-like faith and default optimism!

Sing to Remember

I feel it again today. How can the student also be the teacher?

I ask the question again. "Come on, you know the answer. Just focus. Think about what you say before you say it. Okay... a nickel is worth....?"

"Seven!"

Little Girl's eyes of deep blue search my face, she knows she has spoken the wrong answer. Again. Am I upset with her? She knows the correct answer but can't seem to make it come out of her mouth.

I keep the frustration behind my face. What am I really trying to impart here? What will she remember from this time together?

Many times I have told her: Learning is good! Learning is fun!

We are not having fun here. Her face displays her desperate misery so plainly, accompanied by such a pitiful full body slump, that I can't help but smile from the drama of it all.

Okay, let's try again. A brilliant masterpiece of a song is born...

"A dime is worth ten,
A dime is worth ten,
A nickel is worth five,
A nickel is worth five..."

Instantly she perks up. Brightness fills her eyes, the bounciness of her soul spills out in grins. She sings along with authority as a half-second echo as though she's known this tune her whole life.

"...A penny is the baby and it's only worth one,
A penny is the baby and it's only worth one,
The quarter has the eagle and it's worth twenty five,
The quarter is the biggest and it's worth tweeeeeeeeeenty fiiiiiiiiiiiiiive!"

We celebrate with laughter.

She bounds off to educate the whole house with her newly found musical wisdom.

My heart sings the Lord a new song. Well worn age-old words, new song.

...Thank You, thank You...


Of course singing is fun, good for teaching, soul-healthy. You are The Singer. Children know. Why do I forget?

By day the LORD directs his love,
at night his song is with me-
a prayer to the God of my life.
~Psalm 42:8

She's back, refreshed and rosy cheeked. We hug an excited, wriggling hug.

She knows I'm proud of her for remembering. She doesn't shy away from embracing me now, she feels accepted.

She always was... how could I withhold a hug from one I love so much? But now, she feels it. That, to her, is knowing.

The teacher is the student.

I sing to remember...

Great is Thy faithfulness,
O God my Father,
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hand has provided.
Great is Thy faithfulness
Lord unto me...

...I lift my eyes up,
Up to the mountains,
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from You,
Maker of heaven,
Creator of the earth...

...For You are good.
For You are good.
For You are good to me!
Lord You are good,
Lord You're so good,
Lord You are good to me...

We hug.

"The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing."
~Zephaniah 3:17

Selah Sayings and Stories

She's a joy. She's in trouble. I'm embarrassed. How wonder-full. She's so smart. She has such a good memory. I really need to watch what I say. Oh-Boy. Oh-well. Laughter.

It is possible for me to have all of these responses to a single sentence that comes out of my Daughter's mouth.

I know that she is, and each of us are, a piece of Him... the wonderful Father. If she were the only piece of Him that I ever had the privilege to experience, how could I ever think He is boring? She is living proof that His character, and His sense of humor, are more complex than I could ever imagine!

It would be impossible to record everything interesting that comes out of her mouth, since it is in incessant motion except for when she is sleeping. But I have decided to start sharing some things as they happen, or as I remember them.

For those of you who don't know her, she is a curious little four year old that speaks in very clear, to the point, adult language. She has had an excellent grasp of language since she was 18 months old. I will write like she speaks, though it is unfortunate you cannot also see her feisty body stances, hands motions, and facial expressions.

For those of you who do know her, I bet you are already smiling.


Story #1)
Her sense of justice( a memory from June 2008, she was almost 3 yrs old):

We had been in a hit-and-run accident where the other driver totaled my car. We were all unhurt, but Little Girl, who had been in the backseat, was very upset. Husband and I tried to comfort her and explain that we were all okay because God had protected us, and that was all that mattered. She had been listening closely though, as her Daddy had explained to the police officer that he was unable to get the other drivers license plate number. She also had heard the police officer say it was not unusual for the guilty party to flee the scene, and that honestly, they usually were not found or held accountable. Little Girl understood that Daddy and Mommy were not happy the man had left them with a very broken car, and she did not like this. She said so. She would not be comforted.

So, Husband and I told her to pray, to talk to God about what the man did, and ask for God's help in the situation. We suggested she pray that the police officers would find him. We told her we were just wanting him to do what was right so he could help fix Mommy's car.

So with angry, teary eyes she prayed:

"Lord Jesus, please help the police officers to find the man who hit us..."
(Husband and I nod our heads in agreement)

"... and when they do, please throw him to the alligators!"

Whoa! Hold it!

We tried to explain that we did not want the man to be hurt at all, we just wanted him to do what was right. No matter what we said, this was the prayer she prayed for the next several days.

After hearing her pray this with such sincerity and conviction one time, my Dad said " Poor guy, he doesn't stand a chance. He should have just come back and paid for the damages. Now he's got Little Girl praying alligators on him! I hope he doesn't go near a zoo or anything... "

More stories/sayings coming soon...

An Excellent Record Keeper

Husband did it again. And again. Haven't we talked about this a thousand times? Is this an intentional attempt to annoy me?

I walk past him in such a cold attitude that surely it must chill him to the bone. I look for some acknowledgement. Surprise, surprise, he doesn't notice.

Well then, I'll just wait him out until he decides to notice.

I will still be a good wife. I will still do my duties even though I am offended. I continue folding his clothes and then go to prepare his supper. I am stirring up the food and my mental checklist...

yes, we did just talk about this last week. And yesterday. If he cared he'd be more intentional about not doing it again, and he doesn't even notice that I'm upset. It's not like I'm hiding it! I continue stirring...

He comes up beside me and kisses me on the cheek with a lighthearted "Ooo! This looks great! Is there any avacado to go with it? Any ranch?"

I don't look up. I only offer a gruff "I don't know."

He caught the barb. It stung. "What is your problem?" Is his tactful and delicate approach to my obvious displeasure.

I glare the thought "my problem??" and walk away from the kitchen.

I shut our door a little too hard. I am boiling. My thoughts reflect my feelings. My problem?? MY problem?? Let the food burn I am NOT going out there right now!

He does not pursue me but the fight continues in my head. I tell him what my problem is, or rather, what all his problems are. I complain to God about him. I know I can't change him. I ask the Holy Spirit to convict him. God's response?

Love keeps no record of wrongs

Well, that's frustrating Lord. I'm an excellent record keeper.

I know

Well, I know I'm not wrong to be offended, I mean, I know You think he is wrong too. Right? Okay, You are right about me, I'll remove this speck so I can help remove his log...

Did I just hear God laughing?

Sigh. Okay. I'll think about what You said.

No only does it not help to recall his past offenses to add them to this particular situation, You're saying I'm not being loving. Which is what I'm upset with him for.

do you think you are?

Well, definitely not the first two descriptions. (1 Cor. 13:4) What should I do then?

Rejoice with the truth

Grrrrr. The last thing in the world I want to do right now is think about his good qualities. Okay, Okay. I appreciate that he works hard for us every day at work. I appreciate that he plays with the girls. I appreciate that he is a faithful husband.
My anger softens a little. I continue.
I am grateful that he reads to me at night even when he's tired. I am grateful that he remembers to ask my approval with how he uses him time after work, knowing that affects me. I am grateful he cleans out my car as a way to show he loves me.
I almost smile.
I am grateful that he can grin that big goofy smile at me even when I'm boiling mad about something. I am grateful he doesn't hold grudges against me. I am grateful he tells me I'm beautiful even when I feel my ugliest.
I begin to tear up.

Abba affirms You are an excellent record keeper.

I want to be! I know I need to be more loving too. Father, help me to record the right kind of things so that Love can cover a multitude of sins, especially my own.

A Selfish Body Part

Little Girl wants approval of her project, Baby needs attention, and Husband is trying to share something he's enjoying with me. My phone rings, my email is full, I have text messages I haven't responded to for days. The bed isn't made, the shoes must walk themselves all over the house, and how is that laundry hamper never empty??

This is not an unusual day. This is not a "bad" day. I have many people wanting me to interact with them on some level in some way because they love me. I compare myself to all the women who appear to "have it all together" and those who are living in conditions that are so much harder than my own that a comparison is embarrassing. I criticize myself... I am so blessed, I have it so easy... why I am so frustrated? Why am I so weak?

Little Girl wants to eat for the 18th time today. So does Baby. They are both grumpy and restless. I think"Didn't I just feed you?"

Mom calls these days when the children have insatiable appetites "growing days". Their bodies must somehow signal that they need more nourishment.

I too am grumpy and restless. My stomach is fine but my spirit is worn thin. I try different things but nothing satisfies. I have had some Bread of Life, but I already need more.

Maybe I am having a growing day. My body, the body of Christ, needs me for so many tasks today.

I don't have anything left to give, Lord.

Come to me and I will give you rest.

I can't rest right now. I have so many things I need to do...

I feed the girls, feed the dog, rotate a load of laundry, wipe bottoms, wash hands, clear plates from table, pick up toys... wait. Didn't I pick up this toy earlier? Twice?

I call Little Girl.

"yes mommy?"

"didn't I tell you to pick up this toy?" I hear the frustration pour out of my words.

Little Girl is tired. My tone is the last straw. " Oh mommy! You're not happy with me! You're never going to be happy with me again! Oh I'm so tired and I'm so hungry!..."

The drama continues. Drama annoys me. I am overly frustrated so I am also annoyed with myself. I try to choose my words carefully and control my building frustration. "Please pick up your toy now. Then you can take a nap."

Bad choice. She flops to the ground. " Oh!! A nap?? I have to take a nap? Can't I just take a quiet time? Oh I can't believe I have to take a nap! Oh I'm just so tired..."

Deep breath. Hold it. Hold it longer. I need to walk away. I need to address the incorrect behavior. I'm about to have some incorrect behavior. Keep it short.

"Get on your bed now, I will talk to you in a minute."

After much stumbling and exclaiming she throws herself on her bed. I go put myself on mine. I need a time out.

God, why am I so frustrated over such small things today?

You are tired and hungry

I know exactly what He means. But, like Little Girl, I am determined to try to talk my way out of what I really need. I'll be fine. I just needed a minute. I need to finish cleaning this place up. I need to finish that email. I need to figure out something for Husband's supper. I need to change Baby. I need to go talk to Little Girl. I need to fold that laundry...

You need to stop being selfish.

What? Selfish? How am I being selfish? Everything I am doing is for someone else!

If one part suffers, every part suffers with it. Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it.
~1 Cor 12:26,27

I can not give what I do not have. So much is needed from me, so I need more from You. Even my relationship with You isn't just between You and me. It affects a lot of other people too. Maybe if I can't motivate myself to fill up on You for my own sake, I can encourage myself to do it for the sake of others. Who knows what nourishment He wants to bring through me?

I am part of a body. I don't want to be a selfish part.

I reach for the Word, open it, and take another bite of the Bread of Life.

The Perfect Parent

Baby Girl is perfect. Pure. Beautiful. A flawless masterpiece of the Great Artist.

I know it won't last long. Maybe that is why it is so precious now.

Sin will show itself very early in her life. Big Sister already displays her broken nature in such obvious, undeniable ways. It often is a mirror of the ugliness in me. I am more aware than ever of my sinfulness.

I want it burned out of me. I want to help them stay pure as long as possible. I go again to the Refiner.

"REMEMBER." He says to me over and over. "REMEMBER."

He has already answered me about this cry in my heart. This plea to be a good parent.

I remember when 4 Year Old Girl was only a few months old...I was a 19 year old girl... I remember...


Darkness. Deep drowning darkness that chokes tears from my eyes. On my knees in weakness, begging for Strength, forehead to the floor.

"God Pleeeeeeeease! Please don't let her turn out like me! Please don't let my sin affect her! Please don't let her suffer because of my mistakes!"

The Enemy of my soul is close. Past actions assault my mind, leaving me defenseless of my guilt. Giving myself away, welcoming drugs, and alcohol, and pain into my body. Sacrificing my unborn child and fostering a relationship with death. Possible futures crush my spirit with images of my precious daughter repeating my same actions and sneering at me that I can say nothing to her because of what I've done. In this hellish future she cries broken-hearted, uncomforted, because I have made the word "father" a complicated, painful word for her.

In anguish I scream to Him "And won't it certainly be that way? My parents were as close to perfection as I have seen on this earth, and look at the choices I still made! Oh God PLEASE, please, please, oh God PLEASE don't let her turn out like me..."

Enemy smiles and whispers, as he did in that hungry desert long ago, tempting me to utter despair by twisting words of Truth. " But if anyone causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a large millstone hung around his neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea..." (Matt 18:6) He wraps the rope around my throat and the crushing weight drags me down and I can only sob a broken, whispered "help!"

Choking out sobs I flail in the suffocating darkness. I feel Father's strong hands gently unwrap the rope and tenderly cradle my face.

"You are not blind. Now you see. Open your eyes and look at Me."
I ache. "I can't! I can't do this! Please don't let her suffer because of me!...."

Even more tenderly "Open your eyes and look at Me."

My head feels so heavy. I slowly lift up my face while drawing in ragged breaths. I painfully raise my swollen lids to the Light.

"You are forgiven!"

I collapse against Him and sob. He still loves me. I am forgiven. The weight begins to drop with my tears. The oxygen returns to the air. His lights absorbs my darkness. His peace consumes my fear.

" I don't understand it, Father, how You can love me."

"You do. You know how you love her."

I think about my Little One. Had I ever really loved before her? I had always been too selfish for what I experienced to be called love for another. It was just a twisted kind of self-love. But this-this love that Love had given me when I accepted His breath of life into my spirit--this was the kind of love where I could lay down my life for another. More than that, I could live my life for someone other than me. I was finally willing to serve.

I plead with Him who didn't shy away from washing feet "please teach me how to be a good parent."

"I am your husband, and your friend, I will never leave you. Do not be discouraged. Do not be dismayed. "

The tears still well up in my eyes, I voice the fear He already knows " but what if..."

"Her sin will not be about you." He understands so well. Too well.

He draws my thoughts to a beautiful garden, where even He, the Perfect Parent, had to ask His beloved child "what is this you have done?" (Gen 3:13)

He has had to ask that many times since. The sin is a choice. The children of the Perfect Parent still choose to sin....

I place my forehead back on the ground in prayer. "then help me to respond perfectly as You do. Help me to discipline in love like You do. Help me to remember that Your kindness leads to redemption, and that You love her more fiercely than I ever could. Help me to remember Your promises..."


...Now I remember.



He promises to take care of my children:

He who fears the Lord has a secure fortress, and for his children it will be a refuge. (Proverbs 14:26)


My grandchildren:
But from everlasting to everlasting the LORD's love is with those who fear him, and his righteousness with their children's children" (Psalm 103:17)


And many more generations:
...Showing love to a thousand generations of those who love me and keep my commandments. (Exodus 20:6)



I love to read Psalm 118 out loud! And to give thanks to the LORD for he is good; his love endures forever!

Metal Memories

***Dear reader: PLEASE NOTE THAT TODAY'S BLOG HAS SOME GRAPHIC LANGUAGE, IT MAY PAINT SOME UNWANTED IMAGES IN YOUR HEAD, AND I DO NOT WISH ANYONE TO READ ON UNPREPARED. I AM WRITING THIS BECAUSE I THINK IT IS IMPORTANT TO BE RAW AND REAL ABOUT THE LONG TERM EFFECTS OF AN ABORTION, EVEN FOR SOMEONE WHO KNOWS THEY ARE FORGIVEN.***

Maybe it hurt so much because it was unexpected. Not a physical hurt, it went much deeper than that.

As soon as the metal touched me, my face must have shown how raw my heart felt because my Midwife immediately noticed. In an attempt to distract me she asked: "your last pap smear came back normal, didn't it?"

I smiled weakly at her "yes, it did." I felt the dizziness setting in. Stay here, don't go back there.

How could I explain that my sudden change of expression had nothing to do with what I was currently feeling? It had been four years since my other daughter's birth, and I had forgotten that a pap smear was routine for the six week check up. The metal had surprised me, and in a moment I was back to that place.




...Six years younger, flat on my back staring at the ceiling, deadness creeping into my eyes, not blinking.
The nurse holding my hand, patting me as she noticed this change taking place in me. " it's going to be over soon..." she said.

My jaw tightened. I thought "I hope it hurts. It should." ...





It amazed me how quickly I went back to that place. Stomach turned inside out.

"All done. Everything looks great, you should only have a little spotting for a couple of days." Midwife's Assistant is so kind in tone and expression. Even though she meant to be encouraging, the language is painfully similar. They are both searching my face to see if I'm okay.

I shove it all inside. I sit up and smile towards my sleeping infant resting peacefully in her swing. "She's sleeping so well. I had hoped she'd wake up so you could see her beautiful eyes. They're just like her sister's..."



Finish appointment. Drive home. Take care of girls, husband, chores, grocery shopping, Thanksgiving planning, visit with family.

Rush, rush, rush. Finally, shower time. It hits me when I am alone, vulnerable. Many times salty and fresh water have mixed. The memory is ready to crush me, to overwhelm, to take on the form of a Sinister Being that can pour lies into my soul. It is a raging storm rolling in from the horizon. Dark clouds surround me.

Memory. Memory. Remember...



REMEMBER I am not alone, He is here. My soul sings quietly at first, but ever strengthens, until my lips can not remain still and sing in joy...

"Rejoice my heart!
Rejoice my soul....
My Savior God has come to thee;

Rejoice my heart,
You've been made whole,
By a Love that will not let me go!
By a Love that will not let me go..."

Innocence

"Mama! Mama! ---Kiss me!" She runs to me with lips puckered, eyes scrunched tightly closed.

I smile, curious, and give my sweet four year old a peck on the lips. I can tell there is something behind this...

She grins triumphantly. She turns this expression towards her ten year old Aunt who has just entered the room. "See!!" She exclaims, " girls CAN kiss girls!"

And there it is. I have just stepped into the deep end of the pool.

Aunt shakes her head adamantly, begins to open her mouth in rebuttal ...

"OKAY!" I quickly insert. Deep breath. Assess damage.

To Little One: "hey babe, can you go play in your room for a minute? I want to talk to your Aunt."

Still grinning "Okay!". She scampers past her Aunt with a very pleased "See? I told ya! "



Fortunately, after talking with both girls individually, it was perfectly clear that four year old Girl had no idea what ten year old Aunt was trying to educate her about.

After settling the issue to each girls satisfaction, they went off to play again without a care in the world.

As I watch them go, my heart sinks. I long for Home. Preserving innocence in this world will not be possible for long. And oh how our hearts need to be pure!




He taps on my heart, saying He is passionate about protecting my innocence too.

"The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are good, your whole body will be full of light. But if your eyes are bad, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light within you is darkness, how great is that darkness!" (Matt. 6:22-23)...


On that glowing screen flash images of all manner of un-godly sexual relationships promoted as normal, acceptable. Disrespect, addiction, greed, dishonesty, crass humor, and murder are all presented with drama and intrigue. And those are just the commercials.

No wonder we all see dimly. (1 Cor. 13:12)

Am I settling for "permissible" rather than "beneficial"? (1 Cor. 10:23) Why do I so passionately protect my daughter's minds, eyes, hearts... and yet am so lackadaisical about mine?

"How can a young man keep his way pure? By living according to your word." (Ps. 119:9)

What does Your word say?

"whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God. " (1 Cor. 10:31)

"Whatever is true, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things." (Phil. 4:8)

Lord, help me to glorify You!

Life Interrupted

Finally. I lay my sweet dreamer softly in her bassinet.

I crawl back in bed, still stiff from the deep sleep I was pulled out of. My back is warm against my heater Husband as I stare off the side of the bed, listening, for that oh-so-possible stirring. Just as my eyes convince me it is safe to let them rest, the familiar and every-increasing baby grunts reach my ears.

Feet to the floor, looking for house shoes to guard toes against the chill of this November morning.

Back to pacing, bouncing, thinking, praying.

I remember when my mom told me four years ago (before my first daughter was born) to be prepared because "everything you do will be constantly interrupted". The usual sleeping hours are no exception. I can see her gentle, knowing smile. The floors must have well beaten paths from where she walked with each of her nine children. Stories about the hours I kept her pacing float through my foggy mind and I smile. Yes, I love this little one like she loved me. I like sharing this love with her.

The love for your child. A part of you. A part of him. A part of Him.

The soft gray of morning is peaking around my bamboo blinds as I sway, sway, sway. Good morning, Father. This is the day that You have made, I will rejoice and be glad in it.

The stillness, the slow of the passing of minutes encourages me to commune with Him. Okay, I'm awake, and that's not going to change anytime soon. I'm too tired to be frustrated. I am willing to truly listen. He is gentle and leads me in baby steps. What can I learn about You in this situation? Faith like a child. What does that mean? You need Me. What does that look like? Like this.

I look down at her peacefully sleeping face. I know she's only sleeping so well because I'm holding her. It is a need, not simply a want, for an infant to be held. So much of her physical, emotional, and spiritual well being is wrapped around consistent contact. She knows she needs to be held.

I am a spiritual infant. Hold me, Abba. I need You so much.

One little sip of Him a day is not enough. I need to regularly eat and drink. I need to rest in His arms.

His Spirit speaks, " I love to hold you all the time..."

My throat tightens and my vision blurs. I love being with You, too.

Am I even spiritually six weeks of age? Can I focus on Him? Smile back at Him? Am I awake with Him long enough to know the One who holds me? Sometimes.

Can I speak His language yet? Can I walk with Him and attempt to emulate what I see of Him?

I want to grow.

I let Him hug me. He sways, sways, sways.

All Your waves and breakers have swept over me...

After a long while I have Fullness. I finally have Rest.

I smile at my little piece of Him as I leave her to her dreams.

Again I lay down my head on my much missed pillow. My eyes are closed but I know He is still with me. My heart whispers.... thank You. Thank You. I want my life to be more interrupted with You.

I pull up covers to shield the time telling aquarium lights. Peace.

I hear the outer door open. Now the one to our bedroom. I smile before I even hear the "Mmmmmmmama. Good mmmmmmmmmmmorning. I'm hungry! Can you fix me breakfast?"

It's the four year old. It's the alarm clock for which there is no snooze button. It's my wonderful life. Interrupted.