Eulogy

We shuffle in quiet, greet each other with soft, sorrowful smiles and and ease gently onto the creaking pews.

A close-knit family with lives scattered by miles and circumstance drawn together by a common wound, a shared love.

Today we bury our Grandmom, Mother, Sister, Friend.

There are only a few (besides our army of family) to show for this quiet, well-lived life.

We have been so blessed, the few who knew her.

Our friend, our pastor, speaks full Truth words into the empty, questioning spaces. A reminder of what we know, of Who we know. Then we listen as the music swells and watch snap shots of a beautiful girl grown into wife, mother, grandmother, great-grandmother begin to ebb and flow on the screens.

I have to look away. I focus on my one year old as tears sting and fill the rims of my eyes, throat aches, nose swells to an instant red. I attempt to swallow the dryness out of my mouth.

I know that I am the first of the grandkids to speak after the slideshow. There had been so much joy thinking through my memories, and collecting those from others, to share with the those who have come alongside to comfort, with those who share our loss. I had wanted to share, these stories need to be told! Now, the grief presses into me stronger and deeper and I wonder if I can whisper what I have prepared.

I look up at the ceiling to keep a tear from spilling and breaking the dam that's barely holding back the smashing waves. I know she is with You, I am so glad she is with You, Jesus.

The slideshow ends and I find myself rising, then walking to stand in front of the flower showered casket. My cousin and older brother, both 28, born only two days apart, stand with me. We are the first to speak our love for our Grandmom, to try to express how well she served, and loved, and cooked, and lead by example.

I tremble and stumble over emotions but I somehow speak most of the words I wanted to say. My cousin and brother do too. Then two of my sisters join and one tries to speak through the tears but can't, big brother reads her lovely written words.

We tell specific stories of how she was kind to us at all times. How she was never too rushed for us, too busy, too bothered. Not even when all twelve of us grandkids ran, and roared, and laughed and talked her ear off. How she remembered what was important to us, and made sure we knew we were important to her. The birthday cakes she made and the imagination she encouraged, even crawling under the quilt-covered table to play in the make-shift "fort" with flashlights and grins.

We tell of her unfading beauty, her gentle and quiet spirit. Her faithfulness to my Grandpa, her deep love for her children.

I say it in the beginning and think the whole way through " I know she heard 'well done' when she saw Jesus..."

Then we all stand together, all twelve grandchildren in a row, not such children anymore. The youngest a tall eleven years old. We all love the Lord our God, a trickle down effect from her heart to our parents, to us. The beneficiaries of the promised love that Love Himself is faithful to show to a thousand generations of those who love Him and keep His commandments. We are but a brief, tiny glimpse of her spiritual heritage, legacy.

We stand and my cousin shares what His mom, my sweet Aunt, has thought and said and finds great joy and comfort in:

"Those who lead many to righteousness will shine like the stars forever!"

The service continues and completes and we talk, and hug, and cry, and laugh and remind each other of Who she is with, and how great her gain is.

And I think of this for days now, something my Dad has often said, that was proven and lived out this past Friday at her funeral.

"My perspective on situations and relationships really changed when I stopped viewing others as a part of my life, and started asking myself 'what part of their life am I'?"

What do I do in this life that really makes a difference in this world? What will my loved ones say about me when I'm gone? What part of their lives am I?

I pray my eulogy is full of my love for Him, and for them. Jesus said:

“As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father’s commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command. I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit—fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. This is my command: Love each other."

~John 15:9-17

Counting thanks today, praising Him for how well I am loved...

#97 Grandmom who lead by example

#98 food brought by church family, not a small task for a household of 10!

#99 music

#100 donations made to our local Pregnancy Center in memory of my sweet Grandmom

#101 having so many good memories that we had to pick and choose which to share

#102 That Grandmom's children, my Dad and Aunt, have Comfort and Hope and Joy because they KNOW their mom is with Jesus

#103 that He has prepared a place for me, and will come back and take me to be with Him

#104 that knowing Him is eternal life

#105 that He cares that I know Him, wants me, pursues me, draws me close

#106 that He gives this knowing of Himself, this eternal life, freely because He loves so deeply... staggering grace!

When Children are a Distraction

Church with children is an experience like no other.

She scratches the pen back and forth loudly. During prayer. Can a pen make that much noise?

I reach over and grab it, shake a no ma'am glance her way, and try to refocus on prayer. What was the pastor talking about?

When it's time I ask her if she wants to go to children's church, she says she prefers big church, she's been "big" since she was a year and half old .

I don't want her to be distracting to others. I say so. I have to keep saying so. She doesn't commit repeat offenses but it is obvious she is missing the point. But I let her stay, I always let her stay, how can I make her leave when she says she wants to learn about Jesus with me?

Then yesterday, it happens.

The baby's sleep schedule is off it's normal track and she is very tired and still, so I bounce her during singing, hoping she will fall asleep in my arms. Not a chance. Baby does, however, remain consistent in beginning to fuss as soon as the sermon starts. I have to leave sweet, loud Little Girl with Daddy.

I sigh. I really wanted to hear this today... about honoring God with your wealth. The grace of giving. Maybe even really giving sacrificially?

I know I can't leave Baby in the nursery when she is like this. Rather than accept defeat I decide to try letting her walk around behind the curtains towards the back, and maybe that will muffle sounds enough?

Success. All is going as well as can be expected, and I try to pray "yes" to whatever God wants for my wealth while whispering to my ever faster, toddling Baby "no, don't stick your finger in the light socket... no, don't peel that off the ground and eat it... no, don't grab onto the curtains..."

Time for communion. I join the Husband and we walk to the front together, arms overflowing with the blessing of little girls.

I think this is one reason Little Girl doesn't want to go to children's church. She loves communion. She has been heartbroken when she has missed it because of the kids coming back to the service too late. Once when I thought she didn't understand communion I asked her about it, and she gave an eloquent and soul-humbling response proving me wrong... but that is another story.

We slow up the line and though the pastor reminds that this isn't fast food I often feel we are in the way. We partake and I am soul-sensitive, tears closer to the rims of my eyes. Could there be a more natural response to thinking about what He has done and thanking Him for it? I sense it in my church family too.

Nothing But the Blood of Jesus begins and I am caught from the very first words.

"Your blood speaks a better word

than all the empty claims

I've heard upon this earth

Speaks righteousness for me

And stands in my defense

Jesus, it's your blood..."

Children squirm and distract and I am grateful when Husband picks up Little Girl. Just before I close my eyes I see her hands rise as we sing

"What can wash us pure as snow?

Welcomed as the friends of God?

Nothing but your blood,

Nothing but your blood, King Jesus."

She has never been shy, and my church is, and what a beautiful distraction from ourselves her waving arms are.

I stop thinking about distracting others, and thank God for her unashamed innocence and how can I not cry or raise my hands to His beautiful love that we should ever be washed as pure as snow and welcomed as the friends of God? Amazing Love.

He is worthy of all honor and all praise, and not just the calm kind either. And while I don't know how I would feel about a Kind David kind of celebration of His Goodness , I want to

praise Him wholeheartedly, undividedly and go out with joy and be lead forth in peace.

Thanking Him today for ways that Little Children lead, remind, distract from self, and redirect to the real Reason for this life...

#8 learning to clap hands

#9 unrushed hugs

#10 default optimism

#11 rediscovering the joy of water

#12 that sleep is necessary for health

#13 giggling, falling over laughter

#14 heartfelt, off-key singing and dancing

#15 forgiveness for harshness

#16 just wanting to be in relationship

#17 asking why and expecting and trusting that I know the answer

#18 perseverance

The Powerful Gift We Forget We Have

I can't help it.... I have to arrange the plate of food just so... there, now it's perfect. I know it will be a mixed up mess in about two minutes, but that rarely stops me from attempting some kind of attractive presentation in my plating.

I bring it to the table and set it before her. Pancakes from scratch dripping with maple syrup with a side of homemade turkey sausage and fresh sliced organic apples and clementine oranges. A pink strawberry smoothie and a pink striped straw win a giggling toothy grin from my sweet Little Girl. I know what's coming.

She passionately exclaims(complete with excited hand motions) "you're the best mom ever!!!". This is one of the most common accolades she bestows on me. It is her beautiful word-gift that melts my mama heart.

Is she learning that from me? Is this a glimmer of something good being reflected in my Mini Mirror?

So many times I have brushed a curl away from her deep blue eyes and tucked it behind her ear. " Selah, what do I think about you?"

She rolls her eyes in a "shy" embarrassed kind of way. But she's smiling. I've spoken this over her even before she could understand what the words meant. She opens my word gift.

Her smile widens as she says the words "you think I'm beautiful."

"That's right! You are." I continue with my usual follow up question "And is beautiful on the outside?"

More eye rolling and smiling. Body language that says "of course I know the answer to this, give me a harder question, mom!"

She shouts(not intentionally-it is just spoken at Selah volume) "No! Beautiful is on the inside! God makes me beautiful."

I laugh. "You are right. God makes us beautiful on the inside. You can be pretty or attractive on the outside, but you can't be truly beautiful unless you have God on the inside, and unless you look like Him. And you are beautiful. "

We often have this conversation over a meal, so next she would shovel a way-too-big forkful of something in her mouth and still manage a fairly loud(though muffled) "I know, mom. "

The communication lines are open now. She wants to hear what she already knows "... And do you think I'm smart?"

"Yes."

"And that I'm a great artist?"

"Yes, I do."

"And that I'm a great big sister?"

"You are!"

This goes on and on and on. She loves to hear my praises of her. She beams. She is strengthened by my word love. Words are one of her most requested gifts. I write her Christmas and birthday letters, but she will still come up to her Daddy and I at random times, hold out a piece of paper and a pen and say "write all the things you like about me, okay?".

Word are powerful gift that we forget we have.

As she reminds me how precious they are, I try to be intentional about being generous with my word-gifts to others. I think of my husband, family and friends. I think of church family, store clerks, and strangers.

Then I am challenged to think of what my word gifts might mean to my sponsored child. You can view the video here.

I am humbled. Everyday, faithfully, He draws me to Himself, speaking His love over me.

To come, still, and listen to the Word that changed my world.

"But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness."

~Hebrews 3:13

"Like cold water to a weary soul is good news from a distant land."

~Proverbs 25:25

"He sent his word, and healed them, and delivered them from their destructions."

~Psalm 107:20

"The tongue has the power of life and death"

~Proverbs 18:21

Lord Jesus, Word who became flesh and dwelt among us, help me to spread Life!

A Selfish Body Part

Little Girl wants approval of her project, Baby needs attention, and Husband is trying to share something he's enjoying with me. My phone rings, my email is full, I have text messages I haven't responded to for days. The bed isn't made, the shoes must walk themselves all over the house, and how is that laundry hamper never empty??

This is not an unusual day. This is not a "bad" day. I have many people wanting me to interact with them on some level in some way because they love me. I compare myself to all the women who appear to "have it all together" and those who are living in conditions that are so much harder than my own that a comparison is embarrassing. I criticize myself... I am so blessed, I have it so easy... why I am so frustrated? Why am I so weak?

Little Girl wants to eat for the 18th time today. So does Baby. They are both grumpy and restless. I think"Didn't I just feed you?"

Mom calls these days when the children have insatiable appetites "growing days". Their bodies must somehow signal that they need more nourishment.

I too am grumpy and restless. My stomach is fine but my spirit is worn thin. I try different things but nothing satisfies. I have had some Bread of Life, but I already need more.

Maybe I am having a growing day. My body, the body of Christ, needs me for so many tasks today.

I don't have anything left to give, Lord.

Come to me and I will give you rest.

I can't rest right now. I have so many things I need to do...

I feed the girls, feed the dog, rotate a load of laundry, wipe bottoms, wash hands, clear plates from table, pick up toys... wait. Didn't I pick up this toy earlier? Twice?

I call Little Girl.

"yes mommy?"

"didn't I tell you to pick up this toy?" I hear the frustration pour out of my words.

Little Girl is tired. My tone is the last straw. " Oh mommy! You're not happy with me! You're never going to be happy with me again! Oh I'm so tired and I'm so hungry!..."

The drama continues. Drama annoys me. I am overly frustrated so I am also annoyed with myself. I try to choose my words carefully and control my building frustration. "Please pick up your toy now. Then you can take a nap."

Bad choice. She flops to the ground. " Oh!! A nap?? I have to take a nap? Can't I just take a quiet time? Oh I can't believe I have to take a nap! Oh I'm just so tired..."

Deep breath. Hold it. Hold it longer. I need to walk away. I need to address the incorrect behavior. I'm about to have some incorrect behavior. Keep it short.

"Get on your bed now, I will talk to you in a minute."

After much stumbling and exclaiming she throws herself on her bed. I go put myself on mine. I need a time out.

God, why am I so frustrated over such small things today?

You are tired and hungry

I know exactly what He means. But, like Little Girl, I am determined to try to talk my way out of what I really need. I'll be fine. I just needed a minute. I need to finish cleaning this place up. I need to finish that email. I need to figure out something for Husband's supper. I need to change Baby. I need to go talk to Little Girl. I need to fold that laundry...

You need to stop being selfish.

What? Selfish? How am I being selfish? Everything I am doing is for someone else!

If one part suffers, every part suffers with it. Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it.
~1 Cor 12:26,27

I can not give what I do not have. So much is needed from me, so I need more from You. Even my relationship with You isn't just between You and me. It affects a lot of other people too. Maybe if I can't motivate myself to fill up on You for my own sake, I can encourage myself to do it for the sake of others. Who knows what nourishment He wants to bring through me?

I am part of a body. I don't want to be a selfish part.

I reach for the Word, open it, and take another bite of the Bread of Life.