Wednesday, December 11, 2013

The Post that May Make You Not Want to Have Children

I love my children.

A lot.

But there are some words I simply was not aware would ever need to be strung together, and when they come out of my mouth, I am usually in disbelief, even though the shock has worn off somewhat over the past eight years.

Then, I typically have four responses: frustration, embarrassment, tears, laughter.

Sometimes I feel all four in varying sequences with such abrupt changes that I see a look of concern on my children's faces.

For those of you who don't have children and/or don't want children, I realize this post may further your relief and commitment to childlessness. And while that is not my intent in sharing these stories at all, I understand.

But they are worth it.

I'll post another post (I would say soon, but realistically let's say eventually) with stories that may make you want to have kids as an attempt to counter-balance the terror this may strike in your childless world.

My hope is that this will bring a sense of comfort, empathy, and maybe even that hysterical kind of laughing/crying that moms can easily burst into, for no apparent reason.

But oh--there are reasons. 

Here are just a few stories and sentences as a little window into my life experience as a mom with infant-to-eight-year-old children:

  • While driving… after smelling a very minty smell: "How did you even reach my purse? You ate that whole tin of Altoids?? Aren't they too hot for you?… What's all that around your mouth? Are you bleeding?… You ate my blush? Really??… I don't understand…"

  • "Where are my keys?… In the trash? Okay… Where's my phone?… Under your pillow?… Okay… Where's my chapstick?… In your diaper?… No, that's not a pocket…" 

  • "No, I will not hug you/hold you/snuggle you again. No, you can not have more water. No--no food, no snacks… You're not starving… No, you don't have to go to the bathroom again… No you don't… You really don't...Well, just pee in your bed then…" 

  • "Yes, the nice lady has pretty shoes. No!--don't open the door yet! No!--don't stick your head under the stall, that's not nice, everyone needs privacy when they're using the potty… Yes, I hear the noises…"

  • "How did you do all of this so quickly??… No, I do not think your art work is pretty… WHY?… Because it's on your SISTER and the floor, and Daddy's fish tank, and the keyboard, and the clothing and you know you aren't allowed to use a Sharpie! and… What?…. You just wanted to tattoo her soooo beautiful like me?… Greeeaaaaat…" 

  • "Stop trying to feed your sister your boogers!!! It's not funny..."

  • Me talking to the Middle: "And HOW did ALL the clothes that I JUST organized and hung up get piled up in the bottom of the closet?… Really? You're claiming the ONE-year-old climbed the dresser AND the book shelves and reached all the way to the TOP hangers?…" **The Little immediately leaves my side, quickly scrambles up the aforementioned furniture in closet, turns around from the top shelf grinning with pride and shouting in glee "Mommy! I DO it, I DO it! Haha!"

  • "Um… How did you even do that? And… you didn't notice while you were dancing? Not until you tried to walk away?… Okay…"

  • "I am NOT playing with you!!… Come out NOW… it's an hour past bedtime, I heard you get up and run and hide and I KNOW YOU'RE IN HERE SOMEWHERE… This is not a game, NO MORE HIDE AND SEEK, I mean it… Come OUT now…"***30 min later*** "No, I am not impressed you could be a still as the vacuum cleaner. How did you stand up for that long in the closet without making a sound??? Stop smiling at me…" 

  • "Stop licking your cousin! No! Don't lick your sister either! Ew, don't lick ME--what are you doing??… Well, be a puppy that doesn't lick people, or things… Can you bark someplace else please?…" 

  • "Don't eat the mulch!…Well, don't chew on it either…" (you could also insert sand/the rubber plastic-y end of the door stoppers/dog food/chapstick… the list goes on…)

  • "You need to stop playing 'crying baby' while you're outside, I don't think the neighbors will understand…" 
  • "It's not nice to tell someone they smell like sweaty socks…"
  • "Yes, I see her "nurses" are halfway out of her shirtstop pointing… yes, she heard you… I'm sure she knows…" 

  • "Can you untie your sister please? Don't tie things around her neck, you could choke her… Well, let's play like this wild kitty doesn't need a leash, okay?… Well, I wouldn't blame her for running away…"

  • "I really don't want to come look at your poo-poo, I believe you, just flush it please…"

  • To the Little: "Do not use the potty water to wash your face!!… Because it's yucky!!"

  • "You're giving your sister a bath? In the drawer?… How did you get the water from the sink to the drawer?… You emptied the wipes case?…"

  • "She took off her diaper and pooped where??… On my white decorative pillow?… Greaaaat…."

  • "Please stop trying to stick your finger in my nose…"
  • "Don't drink the pool water… Just trust me…" 
  • "Stop digging in the litter box!! No, it is not a sand box… What else did you dig with? That Duplo block? What else… that board book?… What else?…" 

  • "Please stop asking me why... I don't know why… I don't know anything… I don't knoooowww!!!…."

  • Okay now it's your turn! Come on moms, don't leave me alone! Share your stories in the comments… this is the good stuff, y'all.


    Emily Andrews said...

    I have thought of writing a post like this! I have often caught myself saying something to E. and thinking: "The words that just came out of my mouth were so weird!" because I would have never thought there would be a time when they were necessary. I cannot think of one of those times right now but I do remember being in Wal-mart and E. was about two years old. He pointed at her and said: "She a big one, Mommy." I tried to pretend like he had said something else and instead he pointed again and said louder: "She a big one!"

    Elise said...

    Emily! Lol… oh yes, I have had many awkward and inappropriate and LOUD comments that I've tried to gloss over! Fun times. :)

    And there are many that I've forgotten… which is why I wanted to go ahead and share these now!

    Unknown said...

    To my daughter at 18-ish months - "what are you eating?... STRAWBERRIES!!! I just threw away the last strawberries, they're all moldy, spit them out!!... you swallowed them??!! Grossssss!"
    to my now-3-year old daughter - "what are you doing? (touching my butt!) eeewww, no, that's your anus, we don't touch anus!... wash your hands with soap... because they're poopy now, that's where poop comes from.... aaaack!! do NOT put that finger in your mouth! we do NOT touch anus and lick our fingers!"

    Anonymous said...

    Haha that was highly entertaining!


    Elise said...

    To "Unknown":

    Ahhh yes, the forbidden and fascinating lower region… I had no idea how much of my life would revolve around helping children survive their own bottoms.

    Elise said...

    Thank you, Erica! Laughing is an essential part of sanity through mothering for me!

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