Friday, October 1, 2010

How to get from A to Z

Today I've been going through boxes that had long been tucked away in the attic. We will be ready to move to our new town home before too long and I am in the process of minimizing.

It's amazing how much can cling to you, I think things grow when I'm not looking.

And there I found them, sitting quietly in notebooks in the bottom of clear storage boxes. Some may call them poems. They were my screams. My nightmares. My loneliness from my highschool years. It hurts in places I didn't even know I still had.

Why do those memories still hurt after all this time? They hurt for different reasons now. I hurt for hurting Him. My family. For having such a bad memory and so little empathy for those who are in a similar place now.

Not being close to Christ is hell.

I have to take every thought captive to Christ, and leave them at His feet.

I read on and am amazed at what I thought about, wrote about... my immaturity. And my recognition of it, and my admitted unwillingness to change.

I turn page after page, a train wreck I can't look away from. Some things are worth remembering and keeping as a gentle reminder of things past, some hold no eternal value, would not benefit anyone in any way. I recycle a lot of it.

I definitely don't think the same way any more. He has transformed me by renewing my mind. Hallelujah, thank you Jesus.

It's like reading about a completely different person. But yet, this pain confirms that once upon a time that person was me.

How did I get from A to Z?

I read from 8 years ago. I was 17. I wonder...Was this from before or after the date rape situation?... The month and day aren't dated. I don't know. I don't know that it would make a difference... I was lost and messed up completely by my own doing, long before that night ever happened.

I had given it the title: Still Here.

Still Here

My sin blinds me of Your presence.
My heart turns from You.
You kneel with outstretched arms,
And I back away.
My spirit cries for our hearts to be one again,
But my flesh resists Your touch.

My pride breaks for an instant,
I weakly raise a hand
That so often dishonors
In an attempt to honor You.
Before I can withdraw my hand
You reach down
and entwine
Your fingers with mine.
Your essence showers kisses on my face.
Holding my hand you whisper
"I am still here."

I didn't turn back at that time. I didn't surrender myself to Him for another 3 years. I was afraid to get to know Him. I knew that meant real changes for me, and I didn't like His rules. I did not trust Who I did not know.

So how did I get from A to Z?

When all my other attempts failed, all doors slammed in my face, all paths proved to be dead ends... I trusted Him with B.

I let Him lead me for one step in the direction He said I needed to go.

That thing that He kept bringing to my mind, holding out His hand an asking me to give to Him... I finally did. I finally unclenched my fist.

With my hand open, He gently took mine, and lead me one more step to C.

One issue at a time. Always the question: would I trust that He knew best? That He wanted the best for me?

It was not a quick process. And it was painful. He is the God of true comfort, not of comfortable.

After tears, and prayers, and years, with His word etched into my mind, hidden in my heart and on the tip of my tongue I finally realized it. We were there. Z.

All of me belonged to all of Him.

Not in a perfect, pretty package with a bow all neatly tied. But given from a child to a Father who delighted in the best gift the child could give.

He knows I am not perfect. "Z" doesn't mean I have it all together.

"Z" means all of me willingly, gratefully belongs to Him.

A lot has changed. I pray and have great joy in the knowledge that He faithfully continues to change me. But something has remained consistent through all these years. He whispers it even now...

"I am still here."

The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases.

I remember my affliction and my wandering,

the bitterness and the gall.

I well remember them,

and my soul is downcast within me.

Yet this I call to mind

and therefore I have hope:

Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed,

for his compassions never fail.

They are new every morning;

great is your faithfulness.

~Lamentations 3:19-23

1 comment:

Laura said...

This was beautiful! Thank you so much for sharing it. I don't know where I am in that process, but you put words to it for me. I think sometimes that I'm supposed to be at Z already, like a snap of fingers and it's just not that easy for me. So maybe I'm somewhere around M. I'm not sure. But thank you for giving words to the idea that He takes us to the next moment, the next day, the next season, change, disaster and blessing. I'm always wanting to rush ahead and just be at the end of the process already, but He patiently waits for me back at whatever letter of the alphabet I left Him at and walks me to the next one when I come back to go through each step WITH Him.

Thank you again for sharing and for your sincere honesty and vulnerability. You were a blessing to me today.

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