If You are Feeling Blind Right Now

They finally sleep.

I don't know how it's gotten to be 1 p.m., though the morning felt never ending.

I woke from a disturbing dream to a needy, clingy toddler and dealt with the most-pressing thing, one right after another, until I decided that it was necessary to cut lunch short and make them nap. They were falling into their food, anyway.

They did not ease into their rest, either.

Mondays are hard. They come after my long day of work(weddings, on Saturdays), followed by a wonderfully full day of church and family on Sundays. Meals, chores, naps and all other rhythms of normalcy have been forgotten by Monday morning.

They breathe deep now as I descend the steps slowly, emotionally exhausted that I am so physically drained at only a little past noon. I stop and stare into the disaster that once was a living room and cradle the 19 week old baby in my womb. I can't see the road out of this train wreck. I have no idea where to begin. Discouragement begins to drain the last of my resolve as I recognize the fact that almost all the work I would do would most likely be unnoticeable a couple of hours later.

My mental to do list screams loud and long and through it all I hear the calm, patient question to the heart of the desperate, blind beggar that I am:

As Jesus approached Jericho, a blind man was sitting by the roadside begging...

When he came near, Jesus asked him, “What do you want me to do for you?”

“Lord, I want to see,” he replied.

Jesus said to him, “Receive your sight; your faith has healed you.” Immediately he received his sight and followed Jesus, praising God. When all the people saw it, they also praised God.

~from Luke 18:35-42

I need His lamp for my feet. I kneel among the mess to ask for focus, to confess my messes from the morning, to start with the clean slate He always offers. I read. I recall and record thanks.

I am transformed by the renewing of my mind. What a powerful God I serve.

"Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will."~Romans 12:2

I can see to take the next step, encouraged now instead of discouraged, though precious minutes of children sleeping have been passing by. And I know it from experience but I can testify anew: being still before God is never a waste or misuse of time.

I think of it now, the lined notebook paper with the scrawled verses from Luke 10 taped on the corner of a sister's bedroom mirror. I saw it many times as I drifted in and out of sleep when I was so sick a couple of weeks ago, and she had offered me her place of rest while taking mine watching my equally sick children.

She had personalized it, and highlighted in yellow the same parts that struck my "too busy" and often blinded heart:

“Michelle, Michelle,” the Lord answered,

“you are worried and upset about many things,

but only one thing is needed.

Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”

Only one this is needed.

And it will not be taken away.

I sing it as I begin washing dishes, "Be Thou my vision of Lord of my heart... naught be all else to me save that Thou art... Thou my best thought by day or by night... waking or sleeping Thy presence my light..."

Lord, I want to see!

He heals the blind beggar that I am to see the beauty of His love and grace in the daily, discouraging, difficult...

recording those graces here, joining the Holy Experience community... so grateful for Grace...

#466-486

squirt water guns and screeching giggles in summer heat

good childhood memories

open communication-even when difficult

the gift of being able to physically hear the unique voices of my husband, children, loved ones

so much family, so close

going to sleep and waking up soul-singing "O Lord, You're beautiful... Your face is all I seek... and when, Your eyes, are on this child... Your grace abounds to me..."

generous gift from a friend

encouraging midwife check up

Bible cc

expressions, emotions, memories caught in pictures

hearing God through the voice of a friend

walking into my parents home, always feeling at home there

the cheerful drum of morning rain on tin carport roofs

breathing deep the fresh, cooled, after-rain breeze

husband's verbal appreciation and praise of my daily work

Holy Spirit revealing my sins, the root of the vast majority of my struggles, so I can acknowledge, confess, repent, be renewed

new perspective refreshing well-worn circumstances

knowing His heart breaks with mine

always enough time to do all that God has planned for my day

prayer time on my knees

an answered prayer for a brother