The children finally down for their naps, I slip outside the room of peaceful breathing, relaxed faces, quietly pulling the door to. I gingerly release the cool stainless knob and finally let my burdened shoulders drop and breathe out the long-held sigh so sad and deep. I don't know how long the quiet will last... everything in life seeming so unpredictable lately. And I need the quiet. Much longer, I feel, than what will be granted to me. I feel more than a little wild inside... all the howling thoughts and pain and responsibilities and lists louder than I know how to pray through.
So I don't.
I descend with heavy steps down soft carpeted stairs clutching the railing through all the reeling and try to stir myself to read what I know I've been needing all morning... but I'm so heart-tired I just don't think I can make myself focus on His written Love-Word for even a moment. If I crack open His love letter maybe the flood of questioning tears that I just don't have the time or energy to process will spill out and drown the last of my resolve to make it through this day.
So I leave it sealed.
I could spin around and only dizzy myself on where to start with the daunting task of piling chores, so I slump into the soft black of the rolling faux leather desk chair and turn a little. I click a window open, type a few letters, end up in my inbox, not expecting anything much.
But there it is.
A short laugh makes it past my tight drawn lips, I shake my head at the non-coincidence of it all, hesitate for a moment, then click on the link to open her blog post entitled "when you're finding it hard to be patient".
I have been. For a lot of reasons.
I have had so many opportunities to practice patience lately that even my exhausted spirit has been able to place the puzzle pieces together and verbalize to several loved ones that this seems to been the key lesson for this season of my life.
Love is... patient. And if I have not love... I gain nothing. I am nothing. Only a resounding gong, a clanging symbol adding to the madding crashing and clashing around me.
As I read Ann's Life-words my eyes brim and threaten to blur and I feel that building ache tighten in my throat.
This is it. The starting point to all my recent God-questions and Spirit searching.
I find a strong hold and grab the fleeing clear thought and pull up firmly onto the mental carousel that's long been rushing past. I hold on tight through my child-tears as it all spins around and up and down. I don't let go of here, and lean into His Spirit arms that have in perfect control this ride I'm on.
Is that the heart of this ugly, joy-stealing thing in me, God? Am I bent to always want something different? To hurry up the process? For this to get done right now?
I feel Him pull me close and whisper long and unexpected the answers to every question I've been pouring before Him over the last weeks. And the rush slows and stops. And Peace speaks. And there is more than enough time.
***Next post will be touching on these things: How being bent to want things different is a good-thing, a God-thing... until we bite into the lies that twist the God-desire into something utterly other than what He has meant for us to feel, to desire, to live out. Recognizing and exposing this lie.***
Here again this week, by the grace of God and for His glory, counting the ways He loves...
birthday time with a godly friend
pore-less smooth of child-faces
seeing her confidence that isn't shaken, even in soul-grieving
cool streaks of rain through the steamy July sky
music by David Nevue-specifically-The Gift, Overcome, While the Trees Sleep, The Kindness of Strangers, The Gathering Fields
listening to all her big-girl dreams blooming into a fearless flowering field, as wide and beautiful as the mind can see
the first baby tooth lost, her bursting joy in this step towards womanhood
knowing, knowing the One who holds all their lovely... so dearly loved... aching hearts
sun-rosy noses, shoulders, smiles wide and bright as excited eyes tell every detail of the gloriously long daddy-daughter day at the zoo
family... best friends... all safely home