***Dear reader: PLEASE NOTE THAT TODAY'S BLOG HAS SOME GRAPHIC LANGUAGE, IT MAY PAINT SOME UNWANTED IMAGES IN YOUR HEAD, AND I DO NOT WISH ANYONE TO READ ON UNPREPARED. I AM WRITING THIS BECAUSE I THINK IT IS IMPORTANT TO BE RAW AND REAL ABOUT THE LONG TERM EFFECTS OF AN ABORTION, EVEN FOR SOMEONE WHO KNOWS THEY ARE FORGIVEN.***
Maybe it hurt so much because it was unexpected. Not a physical hurt, it went much deeper than that.
As soon as the metal touched me, my face must have shown how raw my heart felt because my Midwife immediately noticed. In an attempt to distract me she asked: "your last pap smear came back normal, didn't it?"
I smiled weakly at her "yes, it did." I felt the dizziness setting in. Stay here, don't go back there.
How could I explain that my sudden change of expression had nothing to do with what I was currently feeling? It had been four years since my other daughter's birth, and I had forgotten that a pap smear was routine for the six week check up. The metal had surprised me, and in a moment I was back to that place.
...Six years younger, flat on my back staring at the ceiling, deadness creeping into my eyes, not blinking.
The nurse holding my hand, patting me as she noticed this change taking place in me. " it's going to be over soon..." she said.
My jaw tightened. I thought "I hope it hurts. It should." ...
It amazed me how quickly I went back to that place. Stomach turned inside out.
"All done. Everything looks great, you should only have a little spotting for a couple of days." Midwife's Assistant is so kind in tone and expression. Even though she meant to be encouraging, the language is painfully similar. They are both searching my face to see if I'm okay.
I shove it all inside. I sit up and smile towards my sleeping infant resting peacefully in her swing. "She's sleeping so well. I had hoped she'd wake up so you could see her beautiful eyes. They're just like her sister's..."
Finish appointment. Drive home. Take care of girls, husband, chores, grocery shopping, Thanksgiving planning, visit with family.
Rush, rush, rush. Finally, shower time. It hits me when I am alone, vulnerable. Many times salty and fresh water have mixed. The memory is ready to crush me, to overwhelm, to take on the form of a Sinister Being that can pour lies into my soul. It is a raging storm rolling in from the horizon. Dark clouds surround me.
Memory. Memory. Remember...
REMEMBER I am not alone, He is here. My soul sings quietly at first, but ever strengthens, until my lips can not remain still and sing in joy...
"Rejoice my heart!
Rejoice my soul....
My Savior God has come to thee;
Rejoice my heart,
You've been made whole,
By a Love that will not let me go!
By a Love that will not let me go..."