Monday, February 28, 2011

When You Are Grieving

I could barely walk in the house. Some weeks, some days, some conversations are crushing.

As soon as I came through the door my 16 month old toddles up, arms outstretched, pleading "Mama! Mama!...Up pease... up pease" with increasing desperation.

I scoop her up, enfold her close. My desperation increases. I silently sway, praying "Oh God, baby... baby... baby..."

Baby lays still, short arms the span of my shoulders, sweet head resting under quivering chin.

Mom comes up, eyes tender, she doesn't have to know details, she could see me grieving from across the house.

Her eyes brim. "You're holding your baby, can I hold mine?" Arms wrap hearts close. So much is said in silence.

It all spills and I ache for all that is lost, sin that stains permanent, and I whisper to her... to Him "I just want to go home..."

He holds me, grieving too.

I'm counting as many moments as I can, here and now, because here is where He has planted me, and here I will blossom until He moves me. And who knows what seeds tears water?

All this pain... Could all that is lost ever be found?... Could a garden come up from this ground... at all? He makes beautiful things out of the dust.

I only deepen the wound of the world when I neglect to give thanks.
~Ann Voskamp, One Thousand Gifts

Singing a hard hallelujah... hands outstretched as high as these gangly long arms can reach. He reaches down, holds my hands, never lets go.

Counting all as grace...

#236 finally, heavy eyelids

#237 encouraging words from California

#238 parents who model Christ-love, even through rejection, suffering, death

#239 Christ's love, even through being disrespected, ignored, stiff-armed

#240 lounging on the couch in full sun

#241 Husband laughing tears as the baby keeps trying to lick the chapstick he was attempting to put on her

#242 chubby little arms that perfectly fit around grown-up necks

#243 countless "I love Mom I love Dad I love Alexa I love God I love Jesus I love cats" notes everywhere, everyday, all day

#244 sister time

#245 picture of my first baby (coming soon)

#256 Husband back home safely

#257 friend sharing heart-breaking new because she still wanted to share her heart... so grateful

#258 a Mom-hug

#260 Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted

Count with us and enter His gates, a thousand times, more?...


Erika said...

Oh, Elise! I don't know your story, but I am praying for you now. May you know the nearness and goodness of His presence today, sweet sister...

Elise said...

Erika.... *thank you*

YOU are a sweet sister, and the words you share sound like His heartbeat. Steady, beautiful, true.

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