The box fan hums and the house is quiet, only occasional barely-there meows squeak from the weeks-old kittens learning to stagger-walk across my closet floor.
Yet before I even open my eyes, I want to surrender the day.
Wave a white pillow case weakly wild in the air and curl up fetal tight into intentional unconsciousness.
I feel the pressure of all that isn't done, all that can't possibly get done, all inadequacy and helplessness and tiredness that desperately wants to cry but just can't find the energy to form droplets or breathe any way but these short, tight breaths. The husband draws in long a deep breath, turns his sleep-peaceful face towards the light.
My mind races down the must-do-lists and should-do-lists and the guilty why-didn't-I-do-lists and I pray-beg for Him to stop it, because I know this mad morning mental dash is not a God-pace, cannot be sustained without becoming weary. So many left-over things, forgotten things piling up, that somewhere along the way I have forgotten what He left me... what He has written for my day.
"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."
~John 14:27
My iron-deficient first trimester body wrestles down my Jesus-anemic soul, but if I don't get a dose of Him soon I will collapse into an exhausted mess that no amount of sleep could help. Only in sleep am I list-less but now even my sleep has become listless because I am ravenously spirit-starved for the Only Source of energy to wake up and greet the day in Strength and Victory.
And this is the day that the LORD has made for me to glorify Him in. If I give up on this day, who is to say I am guaranteed another? My soul is eternal, my body is not. Why do I so easily sip down the poisonous lie that this day, this morning, this hour, this moment can harmlessly be surrendered?
I remember that a bucket with a pin-hole leak still spills out as empty as if the pail were turned full-over all at once.
So to not lose this day one dripping moment at a time I count thanks and I recall scripture and now I say something often (in part) because I need to hear it often, these words that He showed me He has been missing.
"Abba...
I love You."
The words the Loving Parent never tires of hearing, always responds to in truth to His child the much needed affirmation.
"I love you."
These words I proclaim so boldly to others came surprisingly awkward and shy at first, being such direct intimacy, unpracticed in our relationship as of late. I was startled to find how different it was saying "I love Him" and being bride-vulnerable bare before Him saying "I. love. You."
I can thank Him, and make requests, and confess and repent but I don't heart-connect the same way as when I say plainly, simply, sincerely: "I love You."
It makes me aware how near He really always is... helps me to hear how often my Father is saying "I love you" to my distracted child heart. I think I better hear His words after I say this because I am listening for, and even expecting, His response.
He never disappoints.
Sharing a conversation from April 5th, 2011
**scripture portions of the conversation are linked to the full scriptures read, please click on a link to read the entirety of the powerful, loving Word directly**
"LORD, I hear You saying...
When You come to Me with a question, remember that I know what you really believe, and what you doubt in your heart. You are in error because you do not know the scriptures or the power of God.
Remember that after your momentary, breath of a life here on earth, that you can no longer die, for you will be like the angels in this way. I am the God of the living. I have a full view of all your ways. I examine all your paths.
LORD, hear me saying...
Please help me to not die from lack of discipline, led astray by my own great folly. Please help me to listen well to words of insight, and pay attention to Your wisdom so that I may maintain discretion and preserve knowledge when I speak.
Please help me to give thought to the way of life, I believe that You are The Way.
If my paths are crooked, I pray by Your Spirit that teaches me all things that I would know it, and whole-heartedly turn back to You.
Please mold me into a wife my husband may rejoice in and be satisfied by, a wife who captivates him by her love, not a never-ending, never-finished list of accomplishments. Please burn out the dross until I am loving and grace-full.
I acknowledge these good gifts can only come from You, the very Source of Love and Grace, and I approach Your gracious throne with bold confidence knowing that You wish me to bear this type of fruit for Your glory, that you always help me in my time of need.
I love you.
He stoops down, gently takes my hand, the Lifter of my head...
LORD, I hear you saying...
I am not Self-seeking. I want you to come to Me for your sake. Don't worry, don't be afraid, I am patient with you. I am not keeping a record of your wrongs, I am not proud. I always protect, I always hope, I always persevere. I will never fail you.
I love you, too.
How about you, lovely friend? Do you find it easy or difficult to say "I love You" directly to God? When you do speak your love to Him in such a straightforward way, what has your experience of His response to you been?
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