So I've been really struggling today... more so this morning... with being patient and kind with my 2 year old and 6 year old.
I've had a lot of anger to continually check(from woundedness, lack of sleep, being constantly tested by the children, and most critically-not having time with the Lord before the kids were up).
I began feeling the Lord convict me and correct me about my speech.
"Only speak words that make souls stronger"
"You are teaching them ugliness"
And gradually louder and louder "your words effect their spirits".
I began to understand... I speak spiritual words.
I am warned through scripture that if I want to run this life race in such a way as to get the prize, I must put myself under strict training. I must become disciplined to speak only true words... to speak as if I were speaking the very words of Christ.
And He spoke it to me over and over... "the tongue has the power of life and death". And to ensure that I knew it was Him teaching and correcting and directing... it was there in black and white, in the Proverb of the day. Proverbs 18:21.
"The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit."
In my mind I can see my destructive force of a toddler daily, regularly, repetitively smacking her sister with hard things. Sometimes her intent is to hurt. Much more often she is just being careless, thoughtless.
Then the picture is of me standing over them, walking past them and around them wielding a weapon that can deliver the most powerful blows-death blows-and yet I sling it 'round more carelessly and thoughtlessly than when my two year old throws tantrums.
Is it because the soul-bleeding is internal and the spirit-sobbing soft or silent that I downplay and ignore the wounds?
I can not simply teach my children and live the example to "say what you really mean"... because I can in the moment mean the most horrid things. I know it through and through: my heart is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked... why do I choose to speak those deceitful emotions instead of choosing to speak only things that will benefit those who listen? This deceit--these lies--are they not the native language of a spirit I want to be nothing like? Speak nothing like?
I speak in spiritual languages. Either that of the Truth, or that of the father of lies.
I will become fluent in the language I practice.
Oh Lord Jesus, please sanctify my mouth. May my tongue be not a deadly weapon but an instrument of healing... may it be a tree of life that bears fruit for your glory.