If You are Soul-Starving after Christmas

Christ has come! The Gift has been given.

The Light that gives Life has come into the world... but still the darkness comes early and stays late.

We love and give and make ourselves vulnerable and through our open heart the raw cold can go straight to the soul.

It is easy to draw into oneself. Hiding in the eye of a storm that rips around that has somehow become my life and I watch and wonder how do I slow it down? Stop the destructive force that is me? The movement of wind is necessary for health but at certain speeds it is dangerous, deadly even. This soul-isolation feeds the spinning cycle of disillusionment and even small things, if they fly right in front of your face at blinding speed, seem much larger than they really are.

Incessant motion is tiring so when hunger aches I grab whatever is convenient to stop the pain. I snack. I eat junk food. Appetite is curbed and temporarily, falsely, satisfied. But I am not nourished.

In these days of lengthened dark when eyes are heavy and body signals for sleep why do I push on, rejecting this season that nature suggests? There must be a lengthy time of rest for the harvest to be most fruitful. There must be a season of celebration to remind us why we toil.

It is time for the branches that cling to the Vine to let drop what is dead to make room for new life and bareness can be uncomfortable, cold, ugly.

But those who look for Beauty with all the excess stripped away will find Him. He is all around.

And as annoying as it can be, I cannot long ignore the need to eat. And my spirit, too, needs to regularly be fed. Much more often during this season. I am needy, though it is not comfortable to admit.

And in tiredness do I reach for soul junk food? Something, anything to satisfy the hunger pains? Do I merely snack when I need to feast? Do I eat and eat and eat and still hunger for something more? The appetite not truly satisfied, the needed nourishment still gnawing.

And the Gift has come and He reminds why: "I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."

~John 10:10

And why do I prepare a healthy meal for others, and offer the Only Bread that satisfies, and not sit long and partake myself?

"Why spend money on what is not bread, and your labor on what does not satisfy?Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good, and your soul will delight in the richest of fare."

~Isaiah 55:2

And when The Lord Himself was tempted to lose sight of what He was called to He rebuked the deceiver with the Truth that : "Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God."

And I am tempted to be frustrated with this hunger, this unusually persistent dark and cold that aches in all my stuffed-full-but-still-gnawing places.

But instead of discouraged and I acknowledge myself blessed because He has said:

"Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled."

"He will keep you strong to the end, so that you will be blameless on the day of our Lord Jesus Christ. God, who has called you into fellowship with his Son Jesus Christ our Lord, is faithful."

~1 Corinthians 1:8-9

LORD, wondrous ever-faithful One, may I never be deceived that my soul can be satisfied with anything or anyone but You. Thank You for this gnawing hunger that drives me to be truly filled. Thank You that You satisfy and You lead my soul to delight in the richest of fare!

A Time to Search

Whirling around in a mess of mental checklists, arms full for the already loaded car, we are almost ready to walk out the door when I hear it slow and emphatic...

"Mooooooom, I'm so, so sorry..."

Oh boy. Girl, actually.

Only a few quick steps away I ask it worried " What happened, Selah?"

The couch and rug are showered in scrambled egg crumbles.

Sigh. Could be a lot worse. I set the baby aside so she can stop making ground egg a new part of the rug design, she screams and kicks, her scavenging interrupted. The vacuum whirs and distracts and no real harm done and I scoop up the baby to head to the car and... wetness.

Sigh. A diaper(and outfit) change later we finally make it to the car, buckled down, doors shut and I breath relief at not having to chase the Baby or field a crisis for a few minutes.

We make it all in one piece to Mom and Dad's and nieces are welcomed by adoring Aunts. Needs are met and it's nap time for big Sister as I grab the Baby to run last minute errands before women's group.

I dread and procrastinate going to Walmart, but I have a return for Husband and one for Sister, and there are things that Husband is missing daily now that we have moved to the townhome so he offers and transfers money and encourages me to at least try to look.

I don't want to. Money thoughts have been weighing on my heart and the pressure has been building and I hear the Spirit saying "give.... give here too..." in many situations and I do and I ache not because I don't want to but because I want to give more and there is no more.

I am rich and poor and wrecked and whole and asking and questioning and trying to listen well.

I spend more than I planned, but not one thing that hasn't been on a "needed" list for quite a while. I feel they are all good buys, money saving in the long run. Still, it hurts.

It is almost small group time, I take the Baby to her sweetheart Aunt, and rush, late, to find I am the first to arrive. I am grateful that He leads the group, not me, I can only make a space for Him, He meets us, fills us. I stammer and share and worship raw. We read His Love Words, He heals, refreshes.

Then it's on my mind as I pick up sisters from starbucks, I forgot to buy tea light candles for Advent. I can't afford to buy this beautiful wreath from this young, amazing craftsman, but tea lights on their own will give a similar effect. We have a Christmas tree given us from dear friends, now half a world away in Spain, but we could use some Christmas tree lights too, with only a third of the set we have working. Little Girl loves a lighted tree, has already been waiting for two whole days of December.

Two stops to Walmart in one day is unheard of for me. Especially in my current mindset about money. Still, I call and Mom says the baby is fine and all lights seem to be green so I pull in and park, ready to rush right through, stay focused, on mission. I will not be distracted by sparkling sales.

Walking briskly in the biting wind I barely see her coming before she is there. A young woman, about my age, carrying a cardboard box with a few gift wrapped treats. The facts rush and slap cold against my face and I can't process all the depth of what she's saying, and I try to keep my facial expression from reading "is this a scam?" while I open my wallet to give because how can I not if even half of what she says is true? I would rather her have the money than us have the cat bed I had returned earlier. I know the Husband will understand, agree.

I turn to go but her "God bless you" has a certain tone that brings my gaze to her eyes. And I see it there, like in so many clients I counseled from the Pregnancy Center, tears and shame and quiet pain that breaks my heart in deep, familiar places. I look down, and from the short distance I had walked, I could now see her swollen belly that had been the shelf for the packages she carried. At least that part of her astoundingly sad story was clearly true.

"God bless you, too!" I place my hand over my womb that has held three babies, two of which survived me. "That is a blessing..."

Her "I know..." is soft and caught up in the cold, blown away.

Her eyes stay with me and I power walk. Greet the greeter. Try to find lights, tea lights. My sisters try to keep up. The ache in my heart builds as I dodge the holiday madness, searching for what I came for. His Spirit speaks to me and I pray the whole time. "God, please let her still be there when we leave. Why didn't I tell her about the Pregnancy Center? Why didn't I tell her about church?..."

I was too busy, too rushed. On mission. What is my mission here, on this spinning ball of rock and water? Tea lights for Advent, to celebrate His coming? He came for her. For me. He gives me much love for this stranger, I am reminded of how much He has forgiven.

We checkout and I scan the parking lot, I don't see her. I pray and say this, disappointed, out loud "...I don't see her... I wanted to talk to her..."

My sister spots the young woman's sister, who was helping her sell small trinkets. Two of her sisters, actually, were out in the cold night with her. What are sisters for?

I ask and she points a couple rows over, I pray and park as I spot her, now talking to a man outside his truck.

I approach wide and and say I'd like to speak with her once they are done talking and he says words painfully similar to ones I had heard, and ones I've said "we are done, you are probably the same as me, I was telling her I wished I could help, but I was telling her to keep the faith, you know?..."

How can she keep the faith if she doesn't have Him? And how can she have Him if we aren't willing to be hands and feet and share Him?

"she did help me, " she cuts him off, still soft and tender. " a lot."

He leaves and I tell her about the Pregnancy Center, about the Christian Women's Job Corp, and about my church, I point, just right across the street. The church held in a gym, and yes, I just came from leading a women's group and we laugh as I motion to my t-shirt, jeans, and flip flops and I don't mind at all that I don't look "put together" because I look just like her and she smiles, more comfortable, "it's good that you don't have to dress up for church."

And I listen as she shares about her girl, two years old, and she rubs her soon to join son, wrapped warm in her stretched womb. And she tells how her husband is out of work for four months now, and I see the shame when she says how she knows this isn't right, selling things in the parking lot, and her voices almost breaks as she says "I've even got my sisters out here doing this..." but it's then she looks me straight in the eyes "but what am I gonna do?"

And we are joined by her curious sisters and she repeats what I've shared. They look at me skeptical, as I had looked at them. The wind chills and rips right through and I say it's freezing as we shiver, now standing all together, and weren't we made to be sisters sharing warmth in this dark, cold place?

I say that church is not a building, but is the people, and these people are amazing, they loved me when I was unwed pregnant at nineteen, they didn't judge me for my past abortion but instead were kind in word and deed, a needed salve to severe burns from my close encounter with hell.

She asks what time service is, and they laugh as I admit we are always late but that it starts at 10:30. And she says it several times, that she may come, if she can get up in time.

I encourage with empathy this ember, this maybe, this hope I see in her eyes. "I know it can be scary going to a church you've never been to before, I've been to church my whole life and I would be even be scared to go to a new church..."

She nods, grateful I can understand her now out-spoken fear "It's like going to a new school where you don't know anybody."

I smile. "Like finding a seat in the lunchroom... where do I sit?... and everyone is insecure."

The sisters smile and nod and nod, knowing the feeling well. Maybe I do understand a little, and maybe church wouldn't be so scary after all? We all want to belong. We were made to belong. To Him. To each other. In perfect unity.

"Well, I would LOVE for you to come!..."

We share names and a few more words then goodbye. I've thought of her, Jennifer, a lot since then. I hope and pray that she comes in the Light to Warmth and Hope on Sunday. I'll be there on time this week. I'll really, really try to be.

My heart was already splitting, burdened, for those in need. So many people, so many kinds of need. The encounter with Jennifer just ripped the seams wide open. And I know that I am not the source of any of the solutions, I just want to used by Him who holds all this patched up world together.

I know there is a time for everything, and now must be my time for searching. I am having to seek the LORD in ways I've never had to before, trust Him deeper, ask harder questions and be okay with not understanding His answer.

It is okay to not know everything. I'm just not usually this aware of how much I don't know. I think that is a good thing too.

I know Him. He Who crushed my insecurities by letting me belong to Him. That is so much more than enough.

My heart says of you, ''Seek his face!'' Your face, LORD, I will seek.

~Psalm 27:8

Even If You Only Have One Talent

She asks again, I have lost track of how many times, could I check to see if the mail has come?

She has learned that now is the season for Christmas catalogues.

When the mountain of pretty pictures of smiling children and shining toys finally arrives she glows and grins and pours over them, circling the items she likes, x-ing out the ones she doesn't.

And I have talked with her, and she knows Whose birthday we will be celebrating, and while at first I was torn about how to handle this I don't fuss and frustrate and squirm over her picking almost every gift in every catalogue to go on her "wish list" because I watch her close, and we talk long, and what is growing is her imagination, not a root of consumerism.

This is our first Christmas season as our own little Hurd. What precedents will be set?

And it presses on me, just like it did last season, that I want to give more than receive, and I want to meet true needs. There are many types of need, especially among the wealthy, and we are to encourage the family of believers daily, even more so during this season of celebrating that He did come, and lived and died for us as the greatest love gift ever given.

But what does that mean for us? What should it look like to celebrate this gift, celebrate HIM?

I wrestle as she rustles pages, happily humming her way through thousands of dollars worth of options.

But there is one she talks about most, one she knows her circling will mean something. Every year we give, and she plans and talks and we pray about where and how to meet some of these needs.

It is the one with a miserable faced little boy bearing a swollen belly full of biting worms. She has put big fat x marks over the horrible contaminates that lurk in the water so many children have no other option than to drink.

She wants to give everything, so aware of the need, she even circles the goat on the front cover.

I love her for her passionate outward expression of all that swells in my heart. I laugh(maybe sometimes a Sarah laugh?) because without divine intervention we could never provide even a tenth of the gifts she has circled.

And I question what I should buy for our home... do we really need salt and pepper shakers? When others don't even have clean water? Pillows to make the couch a more comfortable place to lounge?

And I think about Selah's proceeding step-parent adoption, and how the lawyers say it will cost a minimum of $2,500(the lowest quote I've received). I think of flatworms and cholera and list items on craigslist.

And I look at all I have and all I don't have. And the needs and the wants press harder and deeper. I feel overwhelmed. I want to cry.

So I cry out. To Him. My gloriously rich Father. There are no bottoms to His pockets.

And He speaks to me of giving generously and trusting Him for what I truly need. He speaks to me of being willing to give everything should He but ask. He speaks to me of being a wise steward with what I have. He speaks to me of Job, His extremely wealthy servant whom He called blameless and upright. He speaks to me of worry, and His love that meets needs deeper than I have eyes to see.

And He speaks to me the parable of the talents. And I admit that I am afraid, and I don't want to misuse what He's given me. I see what others have done and are doing and I don't know exactly what He has for me, what He has for my family. What do you do when each member of the family have different convictions? I don't want to force anything, that would surely be counterproductive. And I can not do nothing, I know, love, and serve Him to whom I must give an account. And the not knowing hurts and the needs are so real and I am not calloused to the starving bodies or starving souls. I don't know for sure how many talents He's given me but I am not going at once to invest it so I maybe I am not entrusted with five or two but maybe only one? I am overwhelmed with my weakness and this wealth He has placed in my hands.

He whispers so I won't be afraid. He draws me close as He gently, lovingly says it over and over.

"Don't bury it my love... don't bury it"

Giving the Gift of Joy

Am I the Grinch?

I look around and notice that I am standing on the edge of a cliff grinning at the possibility of pushing off this sleigh full of gifts to be dashed on the rocks below...

Then I hear singing.

Little Girl is still happily making each family member eight thousand cards (each), singing about giving and how happy she is and how thrilled the recipient of her two minute masterpiece will be.

I need an ally before I do this gruesome deed.

Surely Husband will agree with me about not joining the typical American consumer mindset about Christmas. But before I can even present the idea of strapping antlers on the dogs and..."hey babe," he says "what do you think about this gift for your mom?..."

So, I am alone in this feeling. This frustration that I don't know how to work out. Husband has the same glow that Little Girl does. I am the one who is grumpy inside. And I'm grumpy because I'm grumpy. And that makes me grumpier because I want to have the right perspective! Hmmmm...

It's so much easier to have a dramatic reaction then to think this whole gift-giving thing through. Sigh. Sit down.

Okay Lord, I've got some very excited people that I love very much wanting me to share in their plans for Christmas. I want Christmas to be about YOU and I do not want gifts to get in the way of that...

It is more blessed to give than to receive.(Acts 20:35)

Right! Exactly Lord, so I don't want to discourage their giving, and I love to give gifts. I really don't have a problem with giving gifts, but I am having a hard time with the receiving part...

Somebody has to be on the receiving end

Shouldn't it only be those who are really in need? We don't NEED anything, we are so blessed...

...let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers. (Gal 6:10)

I feel like I don't know anything, Lord. I don't know how to honor You in this area.

Remember what you know

I know that life, and breath, and everything else I have is from You.(Acts 17:25) I know that You are the most extravagant gift I have ever received, and will ever receive. (Col 2:3, John 17:3) I know You are keenly aware of those who are in need. I know giving is in Your nature, and You love to give to me, and to my family all year round. And I know You give us, though we are extremely wealthy, physical gifts, not just spiritual ones.

Receive love, give joy.

Little Girl brings me the third card she has made in the last ten minutes "see mom! I put your favorite color on here, and these little papers, and this is sparkly..."

Her never-ending animated description makes me smile. "I love it!"

Grinning from ear to ear she beams with joy "yeah, I knew you would! Uhm, and you know what? You're precious, and you're beautiful, and I love you, and I'm gonna make you some more cards for you, ok? Ok..." off she runs.

She gives because she loves. There is pure joy in my receiving it. It doesn't matter if the gift is "practical" or "beautiful" or "useful" because it is simply an expression of love. When I receive that love, I give back joy. And that is appropriate and honoring to You. I will try to remember to not only focus on all in the world that I can not change, but to reflect Your character by gratefully receiving the love that is packaged especially for me... and in doing so give the gift of joy to the loving giver.

Even in receiving we can give.

Receive love, give joy.