Little Girl wants approval of her project, Baby needs attention, and Husband is trying to share something he's enjoying with me. My phone rings, my email is full, I have text messages I haven't responded to for days. The bed isn't made, the shoes must walk themselves all over the house, and how is that laundry hamper never empty??
This is not an unusual day. This is not a "bad" day. I have many people wanting me to interact with them on some level in some way because they love me. I compare myself to all the women who appear to "have it all together" and those who are living in conditions that are so much harder than my own that a comparison is embarrassing. I criticize myself... I am so blessed, I have it so easy... why I am so frustrated? Why am I so weak?
Little Girl wants to eat for the 18th time today. So does Baby. They are both grumpy and restless. I think"Didn't I just feed you?"
Mom calls these days when the children have insatiable appetites "growing days". Their bodies must somehow signal that they need more nourishment.
I too am grumpy and restless. My stomach is fine but my spirit is worn thin. I try different things but nothing satisfies. I have had some Bread of Life, but I already need more.
Maybe I am having a growing day. My body, the body of Christ, needs me for so many tasks today.
I don't have anything left to give, Lord.
Come to me and I will give you rest.
I can't rest right now. I have so many things I need to do...
I feed the girls, feed the dog, rotate a load of laundry, wipe bottoms, wash hands, clear plates from table, pick up toys... wait. Didn't I pick up this toy earlier? Twice?
I call Little Girl.
"didn't I tell you to pick up this toy?" I hear the frustration pour out of my words.
Little Girl is tired. My tone is the last straw. " Oh mommy! You're not happy with me! You're never going to be happy with me again! Oh I'm so tired and I'm so hungry!..."
The drama continues. Drama annoys me. I am overly frustrated so I am also annoyed with myself. I try to choose my words carefully and control my building frustration. "Please pick up your toy now. Then you can take a nap."
Bad choice. She flops to the ground. " Oh!! A nap?? I have to take a nap? Can't I just take a quiet time? Oh I can't believe I have to take a nap! Oh I'm just so tired..."
Deep breath. Hold it. Hold it longer. I need to walk away. I need to address the incorrect behavior. I'm about to have some incorrect behavior. Keep it short.
"Get on your bed now, I will talk to you in a minute."
After much stumbling and exclaiming she throws herself on her bed. I go put myself on mine. I need a time out.
God, why am I so frustrated over such small things today?
You are tired and hungry
I know exactly what He means. But, like Little Girl, I am determined to try to talk my way out of what I really need. I'll be fine. I just needed a minute. I need to finish cleaning this place up. I need to finish that email. I need to figure out something for Husband's supper. I need to change Baby. I need to go talk to Little Girl. I need to fold that laundry...
You need to stop being selfish.
What? Selfish? How am I being selfish? Everything I am doing is for someone else!
If one part suffers, every part suffers with it. Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it.
~1 Cor 12:26,27
I can not give what I do not have. So much is needed from me, so I need more from You. Even my relationship with You isn't just between You and me. It affects a lot of other people too. Maybe if I can't motivate myself to fill up on You for my own sake, I can encourage myself to do it for the sake of others. Who knows what nourishment He wants to bring through me?
I am part of a body. I don't want to be a selfish part.
I reach for the Word, open it, and take another bite of the Bread of Life.