It is a beautiful, ugly day.
I read about rain and colors then hear her crying softly, slurred mumbled words begging for some help, any help.
Mom and I change her, try to reposition her, gently raise her head.
I want to give her water but I know she can't drink it. I want to hold her hand but don't want to move her for fear of hurting her more. I pray that God would give me some of her pain, let me help in some way, let me do something. Please.
I don't want to leave her, but I also want to run away from this place. My mind threatens a madness born from helplessness, I am splintered and rough to other family members I interact with. I don't mean to be, want to be... I'm just trying to sort this out.
I do not pretend to understand His timing. I do not know why He so often asks us to wait. To wait patiently, even.
But I know that He is good. I know that He loves her more deeply than I ever could.
I look for Beauty because He has overcome the ugly of this world. He is not far off. He is near. He hears our cries.
There is a color spectrum I can not see with these dim, mortal eyes. I could not bear His brilliance. I can not see Him face to face now, someday I will, but not now. I cover my eyes and sob. I feel like a poor reflection of Him, a wet mess.
The Son stands behind me, embraces me, and through tear drops, His Light paints an arch of hues across my heart. Isn't this how rainbows are made? How His promise is seen, remembered? The Son together with the rain? Isn't this when we see the breathtaking colors of His beauty?
I face the rain, and remember His promises.
"But as for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more. My mouth will tell of your righteousness, of your salvation all day long, though I know not its measure."
"Great is the LORD and most worthy of praise; his greatness no one can fathom... The LORD is faithful to all his promises and loving toward all he has made. The LORD upholds all those who fall and lifts up all who are bowed down. The eyes of all look to you, and you give them their food at the proper time. You open your hand and satisfy the desires of every living thing.The LORD is righteous in all his ways and loving toward all he has made."