If Your Listening Muscles are Exhausted

I've been lulled so long I don't even realize I'm sleeping through her rambling until silence shatters my five-year old white noise.

My glazed over eyes slowly focus on her face, not amused, mouth flat-lined.

I regather. "What were you saying, sweetheart?".

She's been looking at me, really looking. Watching while I wash and wipe and work minutes away. My fully animated darling, now stilled in gray tones, thinking serious.

One silence piercing "nevermind."

She walks away and I look long, really watching, as she goes about her play. She is tall now. Almost to my chest that heart-muscle aches these years swiftly gone by.

And yes, I think of that well loved film with the girl of equal spunk and expressive vocabulary and yes, they are similar in that "she could talk the hind leg off a mule"... but... she is fiery and precious and wise and soul-healing funny.

Why am I missing all that?

For crumbs?

For thoughts I can think later when real rest comes after real learning, play, work? After listening.

Why do I chide her for not listening well, when I do not always do that myself?

I think of the alternative. I think of her talking to other willing ears, myself cut off from her stream of life-sorting thoughts because I wasn't really listening.

For these precious few years, I am her sounding board.

As I listen better and more and respond with real input and interest I notice she actually talks less. So much of her rambling was due to my absent minded "uh-huh..." and "okay..." so that she kept offering other thoughts to try to figure out this confusing life.

All the time this verse burning in my mind:

"He who answers before listening--that is his folly and his shame."

~Proverbs 18:13

What a privilege that I am allowed to be a part of helping her understanding this life.

What a privilege that I am allowed to have her helping me to understand this life.

I only hope to have taught her as much as she's taught me.

And I read it today, in the Proverb to start every month:

"For giving prudence to the simple, knowledge and discretion to the young-let the wise listen and add to their learning"

~Proverbs 1:4-5

I cannot give what I do not have. So I go to Him who supplies all my needs, according to His glorious riches and mercy.

"Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good,

and your soul will delight in the richest of fare.

Give ear and come to me;

hear me, that your soul may live."

~Isaiah 55:2-3

Due to how sick I was, I did not have a chance to post my list of thankfulness yesterday, so I continue my counting today. All is grace, so I count.

#143 speckled morning light through storm shutters

#144 cobalt blue sky, cloudless and clear

#145 freeways that lead to small roads that lead to loved ones

#146 coconut oil that soothes baby's diaper rash

#147 watching the joy Baby has throwing every item over her shoulder from her sock/pj drawer, usually one at a time.

#148 dimpled knuckle indentions on baby's soft curled hand

#149 Husband's smiling words in wild moments

#150 deep shadowed crevasse on sun-lit bark

#151 amber eyed cats

#152 the un-rushed goodbye hug and his turning at the gate, sweet wave good-bye

#153 little girls with fists full of popcorn

#154 enough window light to not need man made ones

#155 Little Girl grinning wide, eating a grapefruit saying "I'm used to the tartness". Then it hits her, and pirate-eyed she still tries to smile, hands waving wild to somehow, magically, turn sour to sweet

#156 Little Girl's quiet time letter to God

#157 gap toothed grins

#158 clownfish playing hide and seek in ocean's starry grasses

#159 Electric green and bubble pink, soft waving arms of worship

#160 His love like a hurricane, roaring straight through on a clear day

#161 a few days of being free from my cell phone (Baby dropped it in Husband's fish tank-salt water works quick!)

#162 cluttered countertops and crumbed floors-evidence of a morning well spent

#163 lots of kisses to fever-flushed cheeks

#164 the way she says "yes please" and "thank you". She says "even though I'm sick I'm still trying to be sweet." You are, Selah.

#165 Selah's gratitude list that includes things like: "oxygen", "baby sisters", "smiley faces", "that God exists in our lives", "my little pony", "paper dolls", "Little House in the Big Woods", and "angels"

Happy Birthday Alexa!

Two became one and not quite ten months later after 28 hours of labor 7 lbs 3 oz of joy was born.

We all fell in love.

With her grumpy faces...

Her sleepy faces...

Her sour faces...

Her "bulldog" faces...

Her sweet faces...

Her discovery faces...

Her smiley faces...

Happy 1st Birthday, Alexa! We love you!

Selah

She holds the tiny baby wrapped in soft pink felt and asks to hear to the story again. How her story began.

How do I tell her I almost killed her?

How can I explain why I didn't?

I wrap my arms around her and pull her close. My five year old bundle of joy and life that almost wasn't.

I can't say I already had the appointment scheduled at the same place I had paid for her sibling to be aborted the year before.

I can't say I did drugs to try to make myself go through with it.

I can't say I tried to commit suicide and longed for my own death before ending the life of (another) baby growing inside me.

We snuggle and she wriggles with excitement. She stares, stares, stares at the baby doll in her palm.

"Well..." I breath in deep, those memories, those years. I feel the pain throbbing behind my scarred heart.

"But this is a joyful story" He whispers. I take His offered hand, we walk back to that dominion of darkness that He rescued me from together. His light keeps me from being overwhelmed.

She needs to know He alone can rescue. She needs to hear this story. He knew it would be her story.

She tries to wait patiently for the few moments it takes me begin. She grins from ear to ear and covers her hand with her mouth to try to hide her overflowing excitement. She is about to burst with joy.

I try not to burst into tears.

I smile into her glowing face "I love you so much!"

She wriggles closer, waiting. Hand over grin.

"Well... this baby doll reminds me of what God did in my life through you."

She can barely take it. I'm not talking fast enough for her. But my mind is rushing and my tongue is thick and slow and I have to take every thought captive and stay here and not go back there and remember that I am a new creation in Him.

Him.

My history is His story. Not mine. He is the Main Character. It is His Story Box.

I can continue now. "... Before I had you, I didn't love or follow God." My tender eyes meet her wide ones. Her face says: does mom really mean that? Could that be true?

"... I did a lot of really bad things. But Jesus still loved me. He loved me so much, He gave me you..."

I had begged God to show me His realness. To stop me from destroying myself and every good thing that came my way. To hold me. To love me. Selah is the first good thing that survived me in a long time. He answered my prayers, but in a way I did not expect.

O LORD, the king rejoices in your strength.

How great is his joy in the victories you give!

You have granted him the desire of his heart

and have not withheld the request of his lips.

Selah

You welcomed him with rich blessings

and placed a crown of pure gold on his head.

He asked you for life, and you gave it to him—

length of days, for ever and ever.

Psalm 21:1-4

She smiles unashamedly. She knows that of course she is a blessing. I have said it a thousand times.

"... God taught me all about love through you. He changed my life, and your Daddy's life, and lots of people in the family, and He helped save other peoples lives through you like Connor and Iliana..."

The names of my god-children bring a fresh wave of smiles. They are her dear friends. God saved them from a similar fate.

"...God has very, very special plans for you!"

She holds the baby. I hold mine, growing into a young woman, babyness long left behind. My arms overflow with His reward. We smile.

This is His story. He rescues. He redeems. He rewards. He loves. Oh, how He loves.

Praise the LORD, O my soul;

all my inmost being, praise his holy name.

Praise the LORD, O my soul,

and forget not all his benefits—

who forgives all your sins

and heals all your diseases,

who redeems your life from the pit

and crowns you with love and compassion,

who satisfies your desires with good things

so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.

~Psalm 103:1-5

Counting thanks today... overwhelmed by Grace...

#58 Selah

#59 That He forgives all my sins

#60 That He heals all my diseases

#61 That He redeemed my life from the pit

#62 That He crowned me with love and compassion

#63 That He satisfies my desires with good things

#64 That He would reward me after all I've done

#65 That He never leaves me or forsakes me

#66 That He remembers that I am dust

#67 That He promises His righteousness not only to my children, but also to their children

#68 second chances

#69 That He can create a new person out of an old one

#70 He makes beautiful things out of the dust

#71 That one lost lamb is worth His time

#72 He brings me home

If You are Being Really Hard on Yourself

Baby is growing up. She waves now when someone says "Hi!" or "bye-bye!". This always brings enthusiastic praise and clapping for her grand achievement. She grins her gap-toothed grin back at me and waves some more and I am filled with delight. We grin at each other and clap, clap, clap. It's some of the best time of my day, of my life. I will look at her and praise her and clap for her as long as she'll let me. She always tires of this before I do.

She is just being a child. My child. And it is a beautiful thing.

He wants to know why I ignore His clapping.

Oh LORD, I'm such a mess... I still have so much to learn, to do, to improve upon...

He says He takes great delight in me, He is singing over me filled with joy.

Not someday when I am dead and finally perfect because I am in heaven. NOW.

He is clapping, and grinning, and encouraging me NOW.

Will I look into His face and enjoy this moment with Him? He does not belittle my small achievements. "well done! Good job!" He claps, claps, claps, encouraging me to smile and clap back.

Will I believe Him that this a favorite part of His day? Will I keep it from Him?

I am just a child. His child. It is a beautiful thing.

I will look into His face and smile and clap praises back to Him.

Giving Thanks today that He loves me as I am, and always encourages me to get back up and try again...

#36 That He would ever take the time to sing to me

# 37 That He gives the Son, Emmanuel, I am never alone

#38 Micro expressions on a sweet baby face

#39 Sister love

#40 Curtain houses and the gift of imagination

#41 That He would stoop down to make me great

#42 The gift of work

#43 The gift of rest

#44 sunshine on my children's hair

#45 blue eyes

#46 That He loves me